


Bottom of the World

by InfiniteBreath



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Romance, char - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-30
Updated: 2014-09-14
Packaged: 2017-12-21 22:05:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 36,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/905475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteBreath/pseuds/InfiniteBreath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leonard loves Jim and Spock, but sometimes love isn't enough to keep a relationship going. Death had dared to show them its face, but it seems only Jim and Spock were truly able to survive the experience. Leonard decides it's time for him to take his leave, so they can all move on - he's just not sure he's going to be able to survive alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Spoilers for STID, slightly AU, OOCness, not beta read

 

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“ _Now my daddy told me,_

_‘lookin’ back the best friend you'll have is a railroad track’._

_So when I was thirteen I said, ‘I'm rollin' my own,_

_and I'm leaving Missouri and I'm never coming home_ ’.”

~ Tom Waits, “The Bottom of the World”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Leonard McCoy wasn’t a religious man. In fact, he’d probably prayed maybe twice in his life, and both times were desperate pleas to whoever governed over the fucking universe to let him keep his child. Those prayers, however, had gone unanswered; the powers-that-be had decided his Jo was better off with her mother. He’d been judged unworthy.

The courts had granted Jocelyn full custody, and Leonard had only had a day to say goodbye before she’d whisked their daughter, just a toddler, off to Santa Fe, New Mexico to start a new life. His ex-wife had wasted no time in finding herself a new man to torture. Jocelyn had managed to chain some poor bastard to her in less than a month, and Leonard was all but forgotten – he was nothing more than just a figment of Jo’s budding imagination.

He’d scraped up what was left of his heart and moved on. It was the only real move he could make. Leonard had signed ten years of his life away to Starfleet and forced himself to step out into the darkness of space. He’d expected to find nothing but suffocating silence and death. What he’d found instead was life so bright it damn near burned his eyes. Within the blinding life force he’d stumbled into, the remains of his sad little soul had found refuge within the arms of a brash starship captain, and his stoic first officer boyfriend.

Leonard had no idea how the three of them had come together as lovers, but Jim and Spock had helped him to endure the horrors they had encountered in space. Nero’s acts of terrorism had shaken the entire universe down to its very atoms, and every entity existing within it had been forced to grab onto something just to ride out the tremors. The shock that had seeped into Leonard’s psyche after the incident finally abated about six months after the crew had returned to Earth, and he’d instinctively latched onto Jim and Spock the moment it had dispersed. They had reached back without hesitation, and the rest was history.

But then Jim died, and everything changed.

His lovers had yet to reveal the details of what had taken place down in engineering, but Leonard had heard the outline of the event from Scotty. His bare bones version had been enough to kill a piece of his soul. He’d requested a copy of the surveillance tape after he’d gotten Jim’s body stabilized, but the original had mysteriously disappeared. He’d needed to know what happened so bad his teeth had hurt, but Spock had refused to discuss anything with him.

Spock had more or less checked out after entrusting Jim to his care, leaving Leonard trembling alone in the shadows without an anchor. So he’d pushed away all of his pain and loneliness and poured all his focus on battling the Grim Reaper for Jim’s soul.

Leonard might have prayed. He might have outright begged. He had more than likely demanded Jim’s return as reparation for losing Joanna. He doesn’t really remember on account of sleep deprivation and one too many shots of whiskey. Either way, Jim had pulled through - and it was though his new life had also filled Spock’s eyes. The raw edges of despair had softened into something almost…otherworldly. The memory of the transformation still took Leonard’s breath away.

He’d never thought he’d live to see such openness settle along the planes of Spock’s handsome face, but even a blind man would have been able to see that the evolution was meant for Jim. In that moment, Leonard had instantly recognized that life would never be the same again. Jim and Spock had transcended toward a plane he could never hope to reach. Sometime during Jim’s coma, the powers-that-be had found him to be unworthy once again.

He must have one hell of a karma debt.

A soft snore broke Leonard from his morose reverie. He turned his head and gazed at his sleeping lovers. They were tangled together like a brace of newborn kittens, wrapped so tightly around each other that there wasn’t an inch of space anywhere between their bodies. Leonard eyed the wide area on the bed separating him from Jim and Spock, and he forced himself to swallow the large lump that had crawled up his throat.

He stretched his arm out across out the pillow and ran his fingers across the crown of their heads. The pads of his fingertips tingled as they swept across different textures of hair, one as fine as silk, the other a bit more thick in its softness, like down feathers. Jim snuffled in his sleep and pressed his face deeper into Spock’s chest. Tears burned in Leonard’s eyes as he watched Spock tighten his embrace around Jim, shifting away from his hand.

A shaky breath pushed past his lips, and it was a long minute before Leonard was able to inhale. He had always known that it was only a matter of time before he was left behind again. He just wasn’t expecting it to be so soon. The three of them hadn’t been intimate for weeks now, and he seemed to be the only one who missed the connection. Leonard had never envisioned their relationship ending with the silence of a dying fire.

He pulled his hand away and wiped the wetness from his eyes. His body felt as if it weighed a thousand pounds. Leonard could feel his intestines knotting up inside, and he was sure that his heart was going to explode if he didn’t get up and put serious space between him and his lovers. Also, if he didn’t leave now, his emotions would more than likely stir up Spock, who slept light. Leonard wasn’t about to get dragged into a conversation about the pain throbbing in his heart.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up near the edge of the mattress. Leonard stared at the floor for what seemed like years, tracing the grain of the wood with a restless gaze. He knew from experience what he needed to do, all he had to do was pull his head from his ass and get it done. If he’d learned one thing from his separation from Jocelyn, it was the mercy of a clean break. No talking shit out, no begging for chances that would only lead to the same sad conclusion that touched all withered relationships. Love can’t be forced, and Leonard McCoy wasn’t known for accepting any gesture that stemmed from pity – not even the hand of friendship.

He pushed off the bed and shuffled toward the living room with heavy steps. Moonlight streamed in through the wooden blinds covering a large picture window, filling the small area with rays of soft light. Leonard dropped his body in Spock’s reading chair and eyed his personal PADD sitting innocuously on the coffee table. He’d begun the paperwork process a week ago, but he hadn’t been able to find the strength to sign his request.

It would be easy enough to settle everything quietly. His position as a medical doctor allowed him a small benefit that only high ranking medical personnel of Starfleet were granted: An indefinite sabbatical. Should his request be accepted, and Leonard’s lawyer would make sure it was, he would be given leave for research purposes and would only be recalled in the presence of a life-threatening emergency that no other doctor could attend to. Given the talent of his colleagues, he didn’t foresee that ever happening.

Leonard sighed and fingered a dark stain on the right armrest. Jim had curled up in the over cushioned chair one rainy afternoon with his sketch book and ink pen in his lap. He’d fallen asleep drawing a pigeon that had built a nest on the large sill framing the picture window. The felt tip of the pen had rolled out of his grip and settled on top of the burgundy material, bleeding deep into its fibers. Spock had been irritated upon discovering the stain, but Jim had offered him a shy, apologetic smile and all had been forgiven. No one had bothered cleaning the blemish.

That was the day that Leonard fell in love. He’d taken one look at his friends, and it was like he really saw them for the first time. Spock was a force that offered an unshakable foundation of logic and control with sporadic bursts of concentrated emotion that stole the breath from his lungs. Jim was the light that fought off the angry shadows camouflaged in the darkness, wielding no weapon except for his endless supply of fidelity, courage, and love. The pair was perfect together, a flawless balance of spirit. Why Leonard had thought that he could belong was beyond him now – he had nothing to offer to the relationship, no qualities to add to Jim and Spock’s symmetry. What a fool he’d been.

But he could fix it all now.

Leonard reached out and plucked his PADD from its place and opened up the leave documents stored within. He electronically signed and initialed every required entry with shaky fingers, and he was sure his heart was going to jump up his throat and fly out of his mouth. He couldn’t breathe. There was wetness on his face. He wanted to throw up. He needed to sit in a barrel of whiskey and soak in it for at least ten years.

Leonard e-mailed the signed documents to Headquarters before he lost his nerve and dropped his PADD on the floor. The jute area rug cushioned its fall. He pressed the heels of his palms into his brow bones and sobbed as quietly as he could. There was no turning back now. All that was left was to say goodbye, and then they could all move on. Leonard wiped his face dry with his hands and looked around the living room.There wasn’t much for him to take with him. He could always replace the dishes he’d brought with him when he moved in, and there was no sense in taking any furniture when he didn’t even have a clue where he was going.

It looked like he’d be roughing it for a while with nothing but his clothes and toiletries, but that was fine with him. It was exactly the environment he needed to start over – the less memories Leonard took with him the better. A heavy weariness tugged at his joints, and Leonard pushed himself up from his seat. He picked up his PADD and tossed it on Spock’s chair. There wasn’t much to be done, but he was quickly running out of time by the looks of the sky. The sun was already tossing and turning on the horizon, which meant that Spock would be up soon for his morning meditation.

Leonard padded over toward the kitchen and washed his face, drying it with a paper towel. He draped the wet cotton over the inner rim of the porcelain sink for another use - an old habit he had picked up from his mother - and stared at the drain. There wasn’t time for a shower, at least not until Jim and Spock left for the day. With all the meetings that were lined up for them today, there would be plenty of time to take a quick shower before he packed up. He swallowed down a ball of emotion and hoped that he would be able to keep his cool during breakfast. Spock was a cunning bastard – if Leonard dropped his guard for a second, his high-tuned Vulcan lover would spot it in an instant.

He sighed and brought up good thoughts as he gathered materials to put a decent breakfast together. Happy memories would have to be enough to get him through the morning. He’d wallow in his grief tomorrow.

 

 

~*~

Leonard had just finished sliding a four egg omelet onto a plate when Jim stepped into the kitchen. His hair was tousled, his lips kiss swollen, and the damn sated expression on his face pretty much cinched the fact that he had been thoroughly sexed. It appeared Spock had skipped his morning meditation.

“Morning, Bones!” Jim chirped. He practically bounced over toward him and pressed a quick kiss on his cheek. Leonard gripped the edge of the counter and forced himself to smile.

“Mornin’, darlin’. Your breakfast is ready.”

Jim grinned and gave Leonard a quick hug before moving to take a seat at the kitchen table. He let out a happy sigh as he cut off a large piece. “Oh, man, you put extra cheese in it! I love you, Bones. You spoil me with real food.”

“Don’t get used to it, kid,” Leonard choked, watching Jim chew his first bite. “You’re still too damn skinny. I have to try to get you filled out somehow.”

Jim laughed and blew him a greasy kiss. The sight twisted Leonard’s stomach, but he forced his discomfort down. He poured a glass of orange juice and placed it in front of Jim. “Drink up. I want it all gone.”

“Aye aye, Doctor Bones,” Jim saluted, blue eyes sparkling in the morning light. The sight tore at Leonard’s heart. Had Jim’s eyes always been so damn _blue?_

 _I’m leaving_ , he thought. _Will you miss me, Jim? Will Spock? Will either of you ever really think about me after today? How long will it take you and Spock to forget about me?_

“Good morning.”

Leonard forced all thoughts out of his mind before turning and giving Spock a nod. “Mornin’, sunshine. Give me a sec and I’ll have your tea poured.” He measured out just enough black tea to allow proper room for the addition of a lemon wedge. Leonard was thankful that his hands weren’t shaking – med school had taught him how to keep his hands steady through bouts of nervousness.

He turned toward Spock and filled his mind with the blue of Jim’s eyes as he handed over the ceramic cup. Leonard started a bit when the tips of his lover’s fingers accidentally coasted across his knuckles, but he held firm to the vision of blue. Spock’s neck was covered in light patches of green that would no doubt be gone by the afternoon. The sight of them made Leonard want to scream and demand why he wasn’t good enough anymore. He hadn’t even heard Jim and Spock…indulge… in each other.

Spock furrowed his eyebrows when Leonard abruptly pulled his hand away, but he ignored the expression and offered Spock a tight smile. “I understand you two have a lot of meetings to sit through today,” he commented, sliding a plate of sliced fruit in front of Spock. He picked off an apple slice and took a bite. It tasted like ash.

“That is correct,” Spock replied. “The Captain and I will be required to sort through personnel files and finalize the duty roster, as well as assign quarters to each crew member.” He picked up what Leonard liked to call mini-skewers and began picking off fruit from his plate.

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Jim whined, scraping up the last of his omelet with his fork. “There’s so much paperwork to go through. I mean, the _Enterprise_ won’t be ready for another eight months or so. Does Headquarters really need this done _now_?”

“I assume it has to be done now in case people transfer out before the ship is ready,” Leonard pointed out. Pain squeezed at his heart, and he forced himself to finish his apple slice. “It will be less stressful on you and Spock to fill these positions as they open up instead of trying to patch up the roster the night before. You’ll be able to recruit new talent if need be.”

“Precisely, doctor.”

Jim huffed. “I still think it can wait, Bones. I’m really not in the mood to mess with paperwork today. I’d rather stay in and just bum around, maybe have a movie marathon.”

“Suck it up, kid,” Leonard choked. “We can’t always get what we want.” He thought of the paperwork that he’d submitted this morning and realized that there wouldn’t be time to take a shower after all. If he’d known what Jim and Spock would be tending to today, he would have submitted his request last week. Maybe.

“Grump fish.”

“Brat.”

“Old Geezer.”

“Infant.”

“ _Gentlemen_.”

Jim laughed and stole the last pineapple wedge from Spock’s plate. “Sorry,” he offered, only the light dancing in his eyes revealed that he wasn’t sorry at all. It was all Leonard could take. He turned his back to Jim and Spock and busied himself with the dishes. He was going to miss them, and this home that didn’t really have a place for him anymore.

“You two had best get dressed if you want to be on time. It’s almost nine.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Jim sighed.

Leonard turned around just in time to catch sight of Jim and Spock reaching out to one another across the table. They were staring at one another in such a way that he was sure they were communicating telepathically. He tried to remember the last time Spock had reached for his hand and held it, but he couldn’t summon up a time after Jim had died. Leonard tried to recall the last time Jim had truly embraced him and lost himself in Leonard’s touch, but he couldn’t think of a date. He just knew it had been sometime…before.

He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. Jim and Spock came out of their shared trance and reluctantly relinquished their hold on one another. Leonard picked up their empty plates and moved to set them in the sink.

“You take the shower first,” Jim offered, giving Spock a crooked smile. “I’ll help Bones tidy up.”

Spock nodded and took a final sip of his tea before rising from his seat. “Thank you for providing us breakfast.”

Leonard gave Spock a small nod and began to scrub Jim’s clean. “It was my pleasure, dear.” The words were heavy on his tongue, but he managed to push them out in a clear tone.

He felt the air shift behind him and quickly pulled forth a memory of his childhood home in Georgia. He’d loved to sit with his mother in the sun room as a young boy. She would always read to him in the late afternoon, from complex works like Tolkein to poetry. Leonard had always fallen asleep to the smooth cadence of her melodious voice, and he cherished that time he’d shared with his mother more than anything. An echo of her reading Pablo Neruda skipped through his mind as a hot, heavy hand fell upon the back of his neck.

“… _between the shadow and the soul_ …” Leonard shivered under Spock’s touch. It’d been too damn long since Spock had reached out to him. He wanted to fall back against his lover’s strong form and demand asylum from the loneliness he’d been carrying for weeks now. What he did instead was rinse the plate in his hands and set it into the dish drain.

“Are you unwell, Leonard?”

“Nah,” Leonard croaked, keeping his back to Spock. “Just tired is all. Go grab your shower while you can, Mr. Spock. You know Headquarters doesn’t like to be kept waiting, especially when it comes to matters that concern you and the illustrious Captain Kirk.”

Silence filled the air, and the hand on his neck tightened its hold for a fraction of a second before falling away. A long patch of goose bumps erupted along the length of Leonard’s arms, and he ignored the two sets of eyes attempting to burn holes in his the back of his head. He washed Spock’s plate and poured himself a cup of coffee as if nothing was amiss.

“What?” he finally demanded, feigning confusion at their bewildered expressions. “Do I have somethin’ on my face?”

“No, you’re good,” Jim offered. He gave Spock a long look which had the Vulcan stepping out of the room within a second. Leonard heard the door to the bathroom close a moment later. He leaned back against the granite counter and sipped his coffee.

“Bones…”

“Hmm?”

Jim coughed and tapped his thumbs on the kitchen table. “Do you want…are you okay?”

 _I want a lot of things_ , Leonard thought. But he replied, “Just fine, darlin’.”

Leonard was suddenly speared into place by a smouldering blue gaze. He knew that determined look all too well: Jim had a question, and he wasn’t going to let him leave the room until he got the answer he sought. Leonard felt a tremor dance through the muscles of his wrist and quickly set down his cup. Jim stood up from his seat with a grace he rarely showed and ambled over toward him with silent steps. He watched as his young lover seemed to light up as soon as he stepped into a patch of sunlight painted on the floor.

Jim’s tanned skin took on an ethereal glow, and the morning radiance seemed to burn within each strand of his sandy blond hair like flameless fire. The black shirt covering Jim’s torso stretched deliciously as he moved, showcasing the fit form that lay beneath. Leonard wanted to wrap his arms around Jim and burn with him in the morning sun. He felt some of his resolve to part ways evaporate into the void. All he wanted to do was push Jim on the kitchen table and have his way with him. He wanted to bite into the tender skin of Jim’s neck, and lap up the blood from the wound as he fucked him raw. He wanted to burn his kisses onto every inch of Jim’s body as he came inside of him, marking him inside and out.

Instead, Leonard stood his ground and met Jim’s challenging look. Now was as good a time for saying goodbye as any. He reached out when Jim stepped into his private space and clapped him on the shoulder. “I already have your uniforms pulled and pressed,” he disclosed, before yanking Jim toward him and taking his lover's mouth into a heated kiss.

He couldn’t help but moan as soon as those tender lips touched his own. It had been too damn long since he’d tasted Jim, and he was elated that Jim was returning his kiss with equal hunger. Leonard slid the hand resting on Jim’s shoulder into his hair, and he felt something shatter inside of him. This was their last kiss, Leonard’s offer of goodbye, and he knew in his bones that he’d never be able love anyone again.

Jim tasted of orange juice, and Leonard could smell the faint aroma of mint move through the air as he tangled his fingers into Jim’s hair. He’d never be able to drink a mint julep again without thinking of Jim Kirk and his damn custom made shampoo. When Leonard had asked about Jim’s choice of mint, his lover had given him a cheeky answer. “A guy’s gotta keep himself maintained when he’s in a relationship, Bones. Mint stimulates hair growth and keeps the scalp healthy. Besides,” he’d winked, “the smell of it reminds me of you.”

A balloon of sadness expanded in Leonard’s chest as the memory faded, and he pulled away and rained kisses up the smooth curve of Jim’s cheek. Jim had fisted his hands into Leonard’s white t-shirt, and he covered them with his own as he pressed a final kiss onto Jim’s temple. He didn’t know how long they had stood in the kitchen lost in the moment, but a polite clearing of a throat alerted him to the fact that it had been quite some time.

“The bathroom is free,” Spock commented. He was wearing nothing but a pair of blue boxers and a black undershirt. “I do not wish to intrude, but the time is now 09:15. If we are to report in on time, we must be ready to depart in fifteen minutes, Jim.”

“Go shower, darlin’. You don’t want to be labeled as the stinky kid on the first day back, do you?”

Jim snorted and released his hold on his shirt. There was a strange look in his eye that Leonard didn’t like, and he was glad when Jim responded with a simple, “Yeah, okay.”

Leonard watched Jim walk away until he turned the corner and was out of his sight. He ran a hand through his disheveled hair. “I pressed your uniforms – they’re in the hallway closet. You’ll probably have to help the princess get dressed if you want to be out the door on time.”

Spock tilted his head and gave him a long, assessing look. “Thank you, Leonard. Your care is much appreciated.”

“It’s nothing.” Leonard had not meant for his response to sound as bitter as it did. He sighed and offered Spock a repentant smile. “Sorry, dear. I didn’t mean to bite. I’m just tired. I’m goin’ to lay down for a bit. Let me know if you need anything before you leave.” He padded toward the living room, only to still his steps just before passing Spock.

Leonard pulled up as many mental barriers as humanly possible before he reached out and took Spock’s hand in his own. His eyes fluttered closed as he slipped his fingers between Spock’s, and he fought to keep his breath even as his lover’s long fingers enveloped his hand. For a long moment, there was no space between them. They were palm to palm, _Leonard and Spock_ , and Leonard relished in the sensation.

He opened his eyes and turned to drink in the image of his Spock’s handsome profile. His eyes were closed, and Leonard mentally traced the thick line of black, sooty ashes kissing the very tips of Spock’s cheekbones. He wanted to lick them until they parted, so gaze into the burnt sienna irises that he had grown to adore so much. Those expressive eyes drove him wild during intimate moments. He could never seem to tear his gaze away from those seductive twin deserts that promised an eternity of adoration….

The thought sent of jolt of awareness into Leonard’s consciousness, and he pulled himself together. He gave Spock’s hand a final squeeze before releasing it. “Sorry about that. I seem to have lost my head for a moment.” He walked away without waiting for a reply and dropped his body down on the couch. Leonard closed his eyes and draped an arm over his face. He was so tired. All he wanted to do was sleep for a hundred years.

He felt Spock’s gaze on him when he walked through the living room, but he ignored it. The thick cotton pajama bottoms he was wearing were starting to become uncomfortable, but he’d be damned before he walked into that bedroom where Jim and Spock were changing. He wondered what time it was. If Jim had walked away around 9:15, and he and Spock needed to be gone by 9:30, then Leonard had less than fifteen minutes left with his soon to be ex-lovers. He swallowed down the bile that was licking at the back of his throat. He could finish this. He had to, for all their sakes.

Jim came bursting through the living room not even a minute later, and Leonard heard the steady cadence of Spock’s footsteps following close behind. He found himself frozen in place. His eyes were burning, and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to lift his arm without exposing his grief.

“We’re taking off, Bones,” Jim announced. Leonard heard the rustling of clothing being adjusted and the sound of zippers being secured.

“Yeah, okay,” Leonard mumbled. He fought the urge to beg them to stay. “Take care, my darlin’.” He swallowed hard, adding, “You, too, my dear.”

“I wish you a good day, Leonard. Please rest.”

“See you later, Bones!”

Leonard heard the door slam shut, and he was left sitting in absolute silence. He could smell the scent of Jim’s shampoo wafting from the bathroom mixed with the spicy aroma of Spock’s patchouli soap. The dam that he’d erected that morning crumbled to dust, and he turned into the couch and cried until the pain numbed his heart. He eventually forced himself to get up, and his first order of business was to change. Leonard slipped into a pair of worn blue jeans and layered on a green, short sleeved, button down shirt over his t-shirt. He visited the bathroom and the bedroom, stuffing all of his clothing, his communicator, his PADD, and toiletries into his large Starfleet issued duffel bag. He didn’t bother folding anything.

Panic had begun to eat away at the edges of his mind, and Leonard walked into every room and scanned it to memory. He never wanted to forget anything about his life here – not the cracked green tile in the kitchen, or the bathroom sink stained blue from hair dye, a mark which had been left behind by a previous tenant. The shirt Jim had been wearing at breakfast was lying on the bed, but Leonard refrained from taking it. He did give into the urge to snag a framed picture from the nightstand.

It was a photo of Spock, Jim, and himself that had been taken at a late banquet honoring the first return of the _Enterprise_. They’d only been together for about a week when the photo was snapped. Jim stood between Leonard and Spock, his arms thrown around their shoulders. He wore a big grin on his handsome face, one which Leonard hadn’t seen in a long time. Even Spock looked relaxed in the picture. Well, as relaxed as a damn Vulcan could look anyways.

He sighed and ran his fingertips across the glass. Leonard missed those happy days, but nothing could last forever. He stuffed the picture in his bag and tied it up. His heart felt heavy in his chest, and he wanted nothing more than to find the nearest bar and drown himself in liquor.

The only thing left to grab was his personal medical kit, and he had that stored in the hallway closet. He had just packed the kit away when he walked back through the living room and caught sight of the black splotch marring Spock’s chair. He stared at it for several minutes before he walked toward the kitchen and grabbed a pair of scissors out of the junk drawer. Leonard walked back to Spock’s chair and neatly cut out the stained section of fabric. He shoved the piece in his front pocket and walked out to the hallway.

His hands were shaking, and he felt weak in the knees. He slipped his feet into a pair of lace-up boots that he’d owned for fifteen years, and he heard Jim’s laughter in his ear. Jim had never understood why he refused to buy new ones. Leonard had never been able to fully explain how they were just too comfortable to toss out. He stared at the heavy door and wondered if he would have the strength to walk through it. He snatched up his keys from the metal hook hanging beside the door frame and removed his copy of the apartment key from the ring.

“I guess this is it,” Leonard murmured. He touched the pocket that held the swatch of fabric he’d stolen. “It’s time for me to go, my darlin’ ones. Just know I’m goin’ to carry you with me.” Leonard took a deep breath and opened the door. The floor seemed to shake beneath him as he stepped out for the last time. He locked the apartment up tight, slipped his key beneath the door, and walked off toward a new life.


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonard takes his first steps toward making a new life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: AUness, as well as OOCness. Also, this chapter is not beta read.
> 
> AN: I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to read, and I want to especially thank everyone that has left a review. Each comment has honestly just made me smile. <3

 

 

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

“And I’m lost, and I’m lost, at the bottom of the world…” ~ Tom Waits, “Bottom of the World”

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Leonard’s first order of business should have been to high-tail it out of town as soon as he’d stepped out of the apartment. Unfortunately, Starfleet still owned him, and that meant he'd have to go clear the air with the brass of the medical department before he dared to leave the city. The last thing he needed was to be arrested for desertion. He’d received a three word reply to his leave request from Branch Admiral Weathers which had set his teeth on edge: _Come see me_.

As much as Leonard wanted to ignore the informal order, he knew better than to dismiss such a request from the Senior Medical Chief of Staff. Branch Admiral Weathers may be well into her late sixties, but the woman had lived and breathed the military life for the past forty years. She’d earned her title by clawing and scraping her way through the male dominated ranks, and she'd come out at the end with skin harder than steel – pissing her off would be ten kinds of suicide all wrapped into one death.

The medical buildings sat miles apart from the military bases, so Leonard didn’t have to worry about running into Jim or Spock. What he did have to worry about was not running into any of his medical staff from the _Enterprise_. Many had signed up to do short internships at the facility to indulge in random research explorations, and also to refine their skills.

Never let it be said that anyone on Leonard McCoy’s medical team was lazy – his crew just didn’t know how to sit still. People told him that they had all picked up this trait from their CMO, but Leonard wasn’t buying it. Jim was the one who inspired people, not him.

Leonard ambled into the large glass building and wished he had thought to grab one of Jim’s ball caps. He checked in to the security station and barely managed to keep from yelling at the security officer guarding the main entrance. The heavyset man, whose badge identified him as Jake Matthews, took it upon himself to sit and stare at Leonard for a good five minutes after scanning his ID badge into the system.

Jake scratched at his chin with chubby fingers and gave Leonard an assessing look. “Your badge cleared as active, but you don’t look like the picture.”

“Maybe because I haven’t shaved in a few weeks,” Leonard answered, shifting his bag to his left shoulder. A muscle twitched in his jaw. “I _am_ allowed to grow facial hair during extended shore leave, you know.”

“Uh-huh. What’s your business here today?”

“My own.”

“Right; well, sorry, _doctor_ , but I don’t have you listed as having clearance to work in the medical building today.”

“That’s because I’m here on an unofficial assignment, you nitwit,” Leonard barked. He took a step toward Jake and jabbed the man’s shoulder with his index finger. “Now, you’re either goin’ to let me pass, or you’re goin’ to have to march your pathetic self toward Weathers’s office and explain why she won’t be meeting with the CMO of the _Enterprise_ today.”

A burst of satisfaction flared in Leonard’s chest as the blood drained from Jake’s face. “Branch Admiral Weathers?” Jake croaked.

“The one and only.”

“You’re Dr. Leonard McCoy?”

“You’d know that if you'd bothered to read my name on the badge,” Leonard groused.

Jake cleared his throat and pushed a blue button on a wall, releasing the security lock on the main door. “Go ahead, doctor.”

“About damn time.” Leonard gave Jake a withering glare and stepped past the security station. He had barely crossed the threshold into the building when a twinkling laugh filled his ears.

“Well, well, well. I’d know that ornery voice anywhere.”

Leonard stilled his steps, cursing his luck. He plastered on his most professional expression and turned to face his head nurse. “Christine,” he nodded. “Didn’t think I’d see you ‘til launch day.”

“Same here, Leonard.” Her blue eyes swept over the length of his bag. “Are you going somewhere, doctor?”

“I have some highly experimental research lined up out of state,” he offered. It wasn’t exactly a lie – he was going to have to learn how to live alone again.

“I see; fun. How long are you going to be gone?”

“Until the work is done – one can’t tell with these things. You know this.”

“Of course,” Christine smiled. She batted playfully at Leonard’s arm. “Well, I hope you aren’t gone too long. I was hoping to get your opinion on some ideas I have to improve the current skin regenerator model. You know how it overheats if it's used continuously for more than fifteen minutes?”

“Seventeen point three minutes according to Spock.”

Christine snorted. “Right, well, I have a theory on how to tweak the settings to get the bug fixed – it’s going to take some experimenting though.”

“Sounds good, Christine,” Leonard smiled. His gut twisted into knots, but he ignored the flare of guilt. He was supposed to be mentoring his subordinates, helping them grow their talents, and instead he was running away from his broken heart with his tail tucked between his legs.

He couldn’t promise any aid, so he said the only thing he could. “I’m sure you’ll get it worked out. I look forward to reading the literature on it.” He coughed and rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, I hate to cut this conversation short, but I have a meeting with the brass. I don’t want to be late for that.”

“Of course, doctor,” Christine winked. “I’ve got to get going anyway – I promised Nyota that I’d have lunch with her. She’s here tinkering with some prototype communication devices. She said Jim and Spock might join us…are you coming?”

“Nah, I have too much to get done,” Leonard evaded. “But you kids have fun. I’ll see you…when I see you.”

“Catch you later, Leonard,” Christine laughed, and sauntered away. Leonard watched her leave, and he half hoped that she would meet up with Jim and Spock and tell them that he was on base. If they came to meet him – if they both showed up to collect him for a simple lunch date - he would go to them. All it would take was one look at their handsome faces, and Leonard would find it reason enough to stay.

He shook his head and steeled his resolve. As Spock would say, wishful thinking was illogical. It impeded efficiency. If Leonard intended to truly let his lovers go, he was going to have to push away everything he was feeling and force himself to walk forward. He switched his bag over to the opposite shoulder and made his way to the elevators.

A shiver pulled at Leonard’s spine as he stepped into the metal compartment and pushed the button for the thirty-third floor. He hated elevators, especially when it came to extended rides. Weather’s rank granted her an office at the very top of the building. That meant he’d have to be in the elevator for at least a full five minutes – which would more than likely be extended by another five to ten minutes depending on how many times the damn thing would be forced to stop between floors.

There was just too much that could go wrong during that time – it only took a second for a cable to snap and send everyone in the elevator spiraling toward a gruesome death. Leonard scowled and crossed his arms across his chest. He’d be a happy man when was finally allowed to go his own way. He wouldn’t have to worry about technological gadgets in the country.

The ride moved quicker than Leonard had thought it would, for which he was grateful. The elevator had only stopped once, and it had opened up to an empty hallway before heading straight toward his destination. Leonard stepped out into an elaborately dressed hallway and walked toward the lone oak desk sitting at the end.

He took a note from Jim’s book and offered the receptionist his most charming smile. “Mornin’,” he greeted. “My name is Dr. Leonard McCoy and I need to see Branch Admiral Weathers.”

The girl returned his smile, tucking a strand of dirty blonde hair behind her right ear. The color of it made Leonard’s heart hurt. It wasn’t quite like Jim’s hair, but it was still a haunting shade. “Do you have an appointment, Dr. McCoy?”

“Ah, well, I believe I have an informal one, ma’am,” he chuckled, tugging at the hem of his shirt. “I received an e-mail from her this morning tellin’ me to come see her, and it sounded urgent.”

“I see,” she hummed. “Give me just a moment while I confer with her, doctor.” Leonard watched her click away on the computer keyboard for several minutes before turning her gaze toward him again.

“Branch Admiral Weathers will see you now, Dr. McCoy,” she disclosed. “She has asked me to thank you for coming in so quickly.” The receptionist rose from her seat, pulling down her short, red skirt. “Please follow me.”

Leonard followed the girl down two long hallways, with the last one ending in a strange coil. The girl knocked on a large, wooden door nestled at the end of the spiraled corridor – mahogany by the looks of it – before pushing it open and stepping inside. “Dr. Leonard McCoy, ma’am,” she announced.

“Ah, thank you, Piper, let him in.”

Piper stepped out and waved Leonard in with a small wave of her hand. He gave her a small nod of thanks before moving into the room. He couldn’t help but fidget when he heard the door close behind him. It’d been a long time since he’d been in the same room as Weathers, and he wasn’t quite sure what to expect from his old mentor.

Minerva Jane Weathers was legendary around base. She didn’t take shit from anyone, and she didn’t tolerate weakness of any kind. From what Leonard had understood from the idle gossip he’d heard during his academy days, Weathers expected nothing but perfection at all times. She never allowed anyone to enroll into her specialized exobiology or psychology classes if she caught even a whiff of self-doubt in the air. This knowledge is what had driven Leonard to work three times as hard in his all classes.

He’d been one of five cadets permitted to study under Weathers, and the woman had drilled him worse than his granddad ever had during harvesting season. Jim used to refer to her as his Domme. Leonard had come out a better doctor, and man, because of Weathers’s leadership. He owed her everything, and he hated that he was repaying her guidance with a grand display of weakness.

“Mornin’, Admiral,” Leonard nodded. He just managed not to fidget like a nervous child.

“Leonard,” Weathers smiled, her russet eyes guarded. Her snow white hair was pulled into a tight bun, which sat on the crown of her head. “It’s good to see you. It’s been a while, my boy.”

Her smoky voiced rolled over Leonard like warm blanket. “Yes, ma’am.”

Weathers waved a wrinkly hand toward a stern looking chair sitting in front of her desk. The massive size of it seemed to dwarf her petite frame so much that Leonard had a random thought of his mentor meeting an untimely death by falling into one of the drawers. He set his bag on the floor and settled into the offered seat, rubbing his sweaty palms over his knees.

An invisible cloud of silence unfurled between them, covering every inch of the room. Leonard forced himself to meet his mentor’s gaze and sit still. Weathers could smell fear, and he’d be damned if he allowed himself to fall that low in front of her eyes. The admiral shifted in her seat after several tense minutes and reached over to open the drawer toward her right side. She extracted a glassy, wooden box, two spotless snifters, and a bottle of whiskey which was half empty.

Leonard started as he read the label: NV Glenmorangie 50 Year Old Malaga Wood Finish Single Malt Scotch Whisky, Highlands, Scotland. Weathers had pulled out the big guns, which meant that she wasn’t playing around. Whatever it was that she had to say to him was going to be huge, to say the least.

“What’s the occasion?” he croaked.

Weathers gave him a weighted look. “Oh, I just want to shoot the shit with you, Leonard. It’s been too damn long. ” She poured a finger of liquor into each glass and pushed one toward his direction. “Be sure to let that breathe now.”

Leonard sighed and pushed his chair toward her desk, wrapping restless fingers around his glass. “All right,” he grumbled, “just have at me already. The suspense is killing me.”

Weathers snorted and opened up the white box, pulling out a large, black cigar. Leonard watched her cut off the end with a jeweled cigar cutter before handing it to him. He gave her a bewildered look and took it without hesitation. She cut another for herself and closed the box with a reverent touch.

“Arturo Fuente Opus X BBMF, which stands for ‘big, bad motherfucker’. These things have so much nicotine that if you smoke a whole one in one sitting, your head will spin for a week.” Weathers opened the small drawer that lined the bottom of the cigar box and pulled out a match. Leonard hadn’t seen one in years.

“The best way to light these babies is the old fashioned way – it preserves the flavors of the cigar,” Weathers explained. “Fire burns everything clean.” She ignited the red end of the match with a flick of her thumbnail and lit her cigar before reaching over and doing the same for Leonard.

He wasn’t a smoker, but Leonard could appreciate the toasty, nutty flavor that settled across his taste buds. There was a nice kick of leather tinged with spice that lingered at the end, and he found himself being lulled by the warmth. There might be something positive about smoking cigars after all.

“Good stuff, right?” Weathers sighed, reclining in her leather chair. She spoke again after a long moment. “Talk to me, Leonard. Why the sudden urge to run off into the wilderness?”

Leonard took a long drag and slowly exhaled a thin cloud of white smoke. “You want me to lie to you, or do you really want to hear about how weak I really am?” he finally answered.

“You’re anything but weak, Leonard McCoy. Only cowards are weak, and you’re anything but a coward. Just look at all you’ve accomplished within your short time out of the academy,” Weathers offered. “Do you really think that just _anyone_ would’ve been able to figure out how to bring Captain Kirk back from the dead?”

“Yeah, as if I had a choice about that,” he choked. Leonard suddenly couldn’t look her in the eye anymore. He knocked back his whiskey in one shot and hoped the burn would kill the wave of grief pulsing in his chest. The shot was probably worth a hundred credits, and he didn’t even bother to taste it.

There was a long moment of silence. “I take it the rumors are true then? You and James Kirk are romantically involved?”

“And Spock.”

“Pardon?”

“It’s Jim, and Spock, and me – or it was.”

“I see.” Weathers reached out for her glass and took a long sip. “Contrary to what some others in high command might think, it’s nothing to be ashamed of,” she commented. “Love is love, even when it comes in threes - but I take it that this isn’t why you put in your request.”

“We were just fine before Jim died,” Leonard began, taking another drag. His head was beginning to feel light from the nicotine, and he found that his mouth was running without his consent. “Now we’re not, and I intend to go my own way.”

“And just where is it that you plan on going?”

“Somewhere.”

“When do you plan on returning? You are coming back, right?”

“I…don’t know.”

“Mm hmm,” Weathers mused. “So I’m supposed to sign off on this leave request without knowing where my best doctor is going to run off to, or when he’s coming back – or if for that matter. Sounds like a fool’s deal to me.”

Leonard’s face fell. “Oh no, please, ma’am. I can’t…don’t make me stay here.” He held onto the edge of the desk like a lifeline. “It’s not that I wouldn’t be able to work with them if I had to. It’s just that I really couldn’t. There’s just too much…politeness. I can’t take any more of it.”

“The higher ups don’t care about personal crisis situations, Leonard. You know this. You’re a high profile officer that’s bringing in a lot of positive attention – classified feats of accomplishments aside. Dr. Leonard McCoy is known as Captain James Tiberius Kirk’s left hand, with Commander Spock being his right. Starfleet may not be willing to lose one of its star officers.”

“Now wait just a damn minute!” Leonard barked, rising to his feet. He paced in front of the desk. “I’m a doctor, not some damn poster child! There are enough people for Starfleet to pick from that will be willin' to play the part.”

Weathers sighed, and she set down her cigar on a clear glass ash tray sitting on the corner of her desk. “As much as it pains me to lose you, Leonard, I’m going to sign off on your request. Mostly because I know that ‘alone time’ is good for the psyche, and after all you’ve been through in service, you need to let your mind rest. You’re no good to yourself, your patients, or Starfleet if you’re drowning in PTSD issues.”

She held her hand up at the relieved expression that raced across his face. “But there are going to be some heavy conditions, and if you want your leave, you are going to abide by them, doctor.”

“Like what?”

“I have an area in mind to send you,” she informed, “a rural town in Texas that could really use a doctor.”

“You want me to practice general medicine among civilians?” Leonard knocked the ash off the end of his cigar and took another drag before stubbing the end of it in the ashtray. “I never thought I’d be runnin’ a simple practice again.”

“The job is temporary, but if you want, it can become a permanent gig.”

Hope swelled in Leonard’s chest. “Why’s the town without a doctor?”

“Oh, it never really had one,” Weathers laughed. “The town’s so small it barely registers as a blip on the map. Everyone usually treks over toward the large city nearby when a doctor is needed. As long as you’re there, they’ll all get to stay home, so to speak, and avoid interacting with the city life.”

“Fair enough,” he nodded. “What about these other conditions?”

“I want you to check in with me once a month – there are no exceptions on this, Leonard,” Weathers warned. “I want you here even if you’re sick. I’m a doctor before anything else, and I need to make sure that you’re working shit out in your head in a healthy way. Well, within reason. If I feel like something is off, I’m revoking your leave.”

She paused and took a sip of her drink. “If you miss a scheduled meeting, I’ll have you tracked down and brought it immediately. You may or may not be court-martialed for insubordination. It depends on my mood at the time.”

“How am I supposed to report in?” Leonard asked, giving her a bewildered look. “Are there transporter stations in this small town of yours? Texas is more than a hop, skip, and jump from here, you know.”

“Not a station per say, but you’ll have access to a transporter,” Weathers smirked.

“And what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Weathers finished off her drink and rose from her seat. She stepped over toward a computer console on the back wall of her office and pushed a button. The action caused the large panel beside the console to slide free from its frame, revealing a single transporter pad hiding behind the thin wood. “There are perks to filling a high rank in Starfleet. This will be your ride to and from my office – only not today. I’m having the entire thing overhauled for the most accurate efficiency possible.”

“Great, all I need is some over eager Ensign fiddlin’ with machinery that’s goin’ to be in charge of transporting my atoms to and from this godforsaken place.”

“I imagine that risk is better than running into the Captain, or the Commander, in a public transporter station.”

“Touché,” Leonard conceded. He furrowed his eyebrows. “Wait; just where the hell is the other side to this damn pathway of yours?”

“Well, my house of course.”

“Your house?”

Weathers laughed, closing the panel. “You didn’t think I was going to send you off without giving you a specific location to stay, did you?”

She walked over to her desk and pulled out a set of vintage keys from her drawer, tossing them toward Leonard. He caught the jangling metal and rubbed his fingertips over the odd sets of teeth marking each key. There were four total, three regular sized, and a smaller one that looked as if it belonged to a small lock. They were held together by a key ring with a dangling peace sign adorned with purple glitter.

“I have a small farm-like dwelling in Opdyke, Texas. It’s a city in the west part of the state with about 188 people. You have four keys on that ring. One opens the front door, one opens the back door, one is for the clinic housed in the back yard, and the small one…well, you don’t have to worry about that one. Just don’t lose it.”

“I don’t know what to say other than thank you,” Leonard choked.

Weathers walked over toward him and took him in a gentle embrace. Leonard held on tightly to her, feeling like a giant against her dainty frame. “That’s all that needs to be said,” she finally replied, giving him a hard squeeze.

She pulled away and cupped the sides of Leonard’s face. “I’ve always had a soft spot for you, Leonard, and it’s not just because you have a fine looking backside. Your heart is so big and so stout – the passion that you put into all that you do just takes my breath away. You’re love incarnate. At the end of the day, you’re about taking care of people no matter what the cost, and that’s a true mark of being a doctor.”

Weathers gave him a knowing look. “I bet you’re convinced that leaving is better for their sake than yours, am I right?”

“Somethin’ like that,” Leonard croaked.

The admiral smiled and patted the sides of his face before pulling her hands away. She walked back to her desk and pulled out a large, white envelope. “I have your leave orders here,” she disclosed, handing it over. “You can read through it later.”

She eyed the envelope now in his hands. “When I saw your request, I had a feeling that you might want anonymity. I’m sure you realize that your communicator and PADD have GPS systems installed?”

“I hadn’t thought about it, but I do know.”

“You realize that anyone will be able to track you down if you have those devices on your person?”

“I suppose so,” Leonard commented.

“I can hold on to them for you,” Weathers offered. “I’ll issue brand new ones off the record – no one will know that you are in possession of them except for me. In essence you’ll be cut off from the world, but you won’t be. I’ll have them ready to go after your first visit. Do you understand?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Leonard leaned down and shifted through his bag, pulling out his communicator and PADD. His fingers shook as he handed them over to the admiral. The action felt like the final breath before a taking a plunge in the deep end of the ocean.

“Jim – Captain Kirk has a lot of allergies, including medication. I have a file in my PADD that has them all listed, along with alternative dosages and tweaks to prescriptive ingredients that I’ve personally adjusted for his metabolic system. This file should be forwarded to the new CMO.”

“I’ll see that it’s done, Leonard.”

“I’m in your debt, Admiral.”

“Oh, posh,” Weathers smiled. “None of that now. It’s my job to take care of my people.” She tapped the edge of the envelope. “There’s a present in there for you, something else to help you hide out in the open.”

“All right,” Leonard smiled.

“As much as it hurts to say, Leonard, I think it’s time that you go on your way. It’s going to take you a while to get that clinic set up and running.” Weathers stepped up and gave him another hug. “I expect to see you here in a month. Am I understood?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Oh, there’s one final thing, doctor.” Weathers pulled out a slip of paper and a small silver pin, attaching the pin to Leonard’s shirt. It was in the shape of the Starfleet emblem. “This is a signature scrambler, a new gadget that should be released for official use by the time the _Enterprise_ ships out. It will prevent the transporter station downstairs from keeping a record of where you transport to.” She handed him the piece of paper. “These are the coordinates for where you need to go. Don’t lose this paper.”

“Thanks, Admiral.” Leonard leaned over and kissed her cheek. He shouldered his bag and stepped toward the door. “I’ll see you soon.”

“You better, or else I’m coming after you,” Weathers laughed. “Now off with you before I change my mind.”

Leonard stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him. His heart didn’t feel as heavy as it did when he had first stepped inside her office. Weathers had anchored him back to reality by helping him to plot a course - he wasn’t going to be left wandering around like a displaced weed after all. He tucked the white envelope in his bag and managed to find his way back to the main elevators.

The ride down was blessedly short, and Leonard was sure his luck was picking up. He stepped out into the main plaza of the medical building feeling like a new person. It was a bittersweet sensation. He took a deep breath and walked down the long, white hallway that led to the transporter station. The medical building had a fairly large station that held a total of thirty-six pads. Eighteen transporter pads lined the two main walls of the room, and the center of the room acted as a waiting area of sorts with leather bound settees scattered randomly throughout.

Leonard entered the area and eyed the five transporter attendants with a weary gaze. They all looked young – too young to be messing around with the arrangement of people’s atoms. He let out a shuddering breath and stepped toward the oldest attendant.

“I need to be sent to these coordinates,” he informed, holding up the paper. The man gave Leonard a funny look, but keyed in the information.

“Please swipe your badge, sir.”

Leonard swiped his ID and felt something lock in his chest when he heard it clear through the system. There was absolutely no going back from this point. He slipped the paper into his pocket and started when his fingers rubbed against the cloth housed within.

“All clear, sir,” the attendant reported. “Please step onto the pad of your choice along the far wall.”

Leonard offered the man a curt nod and moved toward the pad at the very end. He set his bag down in front of his legs and refused to acknowledge the tremor in his fingers.

“Are you ready, sir?”

Leonard heard the whir of the transporter sound across the room, but paid it no mind. He took in a deep breath. “As ready as I’m ever goin’ to be.” The last word had barely left his mouth when the world stopped.

“Bones!”

Leonard’s gaze shot across the room and caught sight of his freshly materialized lovers. The first thought that came to mind was, _'They came for me’_ , but he felt the transporter lock on to his form, and he found himself unable to move. Grief shadowed Leonard's face as he glanced between Jim and Spock, and he was unable to speak due to the fact that all the air had abandoned his lungs.

He realized his pain was visible to them when he saw their expressions change. Jim looked down at his bag and his handsome features contorted with confusion. Tears gathered in Leonard’s hazel eyes, and he instinctively knew that Spock had already pieced together what was going on. He tore his gaze away from Jim’s face just in time to see Spock running across the tiled floor, his black hair a sharp contrast against the whiteness of the room.

The pad began to whir, and Leonard felt the machine begin to disassemble his structure. He watched Spock reach out his hand, and the look of utter desperation boiling within the depths of his eyes tore at Leonard’s heart in a way that he knew the wound would never heal. The last thing he saw before being whisked away from his life was Jim following behind Spock, his blue irises tinted with a shade of horror.

Time seemed to restart as soon as he materialized in a strange room. Leonard fell back against the wall of the transport stall and allowed his body to fall down its length. He covered his mouth and stared out at nothing, wondering what it meant that Jim and Spock had shown up for him. The looks on their faces were going to haunt him to his dying day.

Leonard kicked his bag away in frustration and pulled his legs toward his chest, resting his forehead against his knees. He didn’t have the strength to stop the tears from falling, and so he sat on the now inactive transporter pad and allowed his brain to just shut out the world. He was asleep within minutes.


	3. Interlude - You Shook Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse of how the triad transcended the boundaries of simple friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the first of many interlude pieces that I plan on weaving into the story. It does contain sexual elements, so please skip this chapter if you are not a fan of such scenes. 
> 
> I would like to thank everyone who has been kind enough to leave a comment on this fic. <3 I can't thank you all enough for your kind words. <3
> 
> Warnings: Sexual content, not beta read, and some OOCness.

_________________________________________________________________________

 

“ _You know you shook me. You shook me all night long.  
You know you shook me, baby. You shook me all night long. _

_You shook me so hard, baby. Baby, baby, please come home….”_

 

~ Led Zeppelin, You Shook Me

________________________________________________________________________

 

“Damnit, Jim! Are you tryin’ to kill us? If you put anymore pepper flakes into the marinara sauce, my damn tongue is goin’ to melt in my mouth!”

“Stop being a baby, Bones,” Jim snorted, nodding his head in time to the classic rock playing softly in the background. He stirred the sauce with a wooden spoon and poured a fresh pile of pepper flakes into the center, carefully folding it into the marinara. “I’m trying to expand Spock’s palate. He needs to start eating foods with real flavor.”

“And how do you propose to ‘ _expand his palate’_ if you burn off the lower part of his face?” Leonard groused. He walked toward the stove and pulled out a clean spoon from the utensil drawer, dipping it into the steel pot to dish out a small taste. His eyes began to water before he even opened his mouth. He gave Jim a wary look and gingerly dunked the tip of his tongue into his stolen sample, and immediately began coughing.

He dropped the spoon on the counter and ran over to the sink, red-faced and gasping for breath. Leonard attempted to drown the wicked flame dancing on his tongue with a blast of cold water, but his effort was only halfway successful. He turned toward Jim after several minutes, his hazel eyes shining with unshed tears.

“Good God, man!” he cried, running a shaky hand across his mouth. “What did you put in that pot, nuclear waste‽”

“It can’t be that bad!” Jim laughed. He grabbed the plastic jar housing the pepper flakes and held it up for inspection. “I only put in about half a jar of this stuff. The spice has a novelty name, so I’m sure it’s got to be weak.”

“You used half a jar of _ghost pepper flakes_? Are you _insane_ ‽”

“Oh come on, Bones!” Jim snagged Leonard’s spoon from the counter. “I think you're making something out of nothing.” He winked and scooped out a spoonful of sauce. “I’m surprised a Southern boy like you wasn’t able to handle a little heat.”

“Jim, no!”

Jim stuffed the spoon into his mouth before Leonard was able to reach him, and the effect was instantaneous. His face flushed red as a wave of blood rushed to his head, and he coughed and grabbed at his throat with both hands. The spoon fell from Jim’s fingers and clattered to the floor. Leonard felt his heart dislodge from inside his chest and smash into the back of his teeth as he watched his friend struggle to breathe.

“Goddamnit!” he growled and ran toward Jim and Spock’s living room. He snatched his portable hypo kit from his jacket pocket and hurried back. Jim had fallen to his knees while he had been away, and his face had turned an alarming shade of purple. Leonard dropped down beside him and filled the hypo with the appropriate dose of Jim’s customized allergy medication. He plunged it into the side of Jim’s neck and waited to see if the prescription would have an affect. At the very least, the concoction would buy him time to whip up something more detailed with what he had on hand.

The muscles in Leonard’s shoulders unwound the moment Jim took in a shuddering breath. He placed a hand on the back of Jim’s neck and pulled him in to rest against his body. Jim shuddered against him and fisted his hands in his gray t-shirt. It took him several long minutes to catch his breath, and Leonard roughly rubbed his free hand up and down Jim’s back in a soothing gesture.

“I swear, it’s like you get off on shockin’ my system, you idiot,” Leonard sniped. A breathless laugh brushed past his ear, kissing the fine hairs at the nape of his neck.

He shivered, and something constricted in his gut when Jim tightened his hold on his shirt. Leonard swallowed hard and ignored the concentrated _want_ churning in his blood. Damn Spock and Jim – he was sure they had fried something in his brain the day he’d laid eyes on them standing together in the living room staring at one another with naked faces and open hearts.  

“What can I say, Bones, you have magic hands, and I only get to feel your touch when I’m sick or dying.”

Leonard’s fingers grazed the hem of Jim’s shirt, and he found himself sliding his hand underneath the white cotton and grazing the naked skin just above the waistline of Jim’s jeans. His heart was racing wildly within him, burning with fear and hope. Leonard knew that his newfound desire was more than likely affecting his perception, coloring Jim’s words with a meaning that didn’t exist. He knew Jim had a playful personality which was as natural to his friend’s character as the sun rising and setting from the horizon on earth.

Leonard also knew that Jim had a penchant for messing with his head via flirty innuendo. But suddenly, he found himself feeling daring, and he blamed it on the residue of ghost pepper flavor still loitering between his taste buds. He was willing to call Jim’s bluff to see if there was any truth to his words, and see if there was even the slightest chance….

“You could’ve just tried askin’,” Leonard murmured, pulling back so that he could look at his friend’s expression.

Blue eyes hungrily scanned the planes of his face, and Leonard found himself drowning in the intensity of the gaze. An uncharacteristic shy smile bloomed on Jim’s lips, and he wanted to pluck the bud with his teeth and swallow it so that he could keep it within him forever.

“Touch me, Bones,” Jim whispered, and the breathless tone of the request was Leonard’s undoing. He moaned and leaned forward, brushing his lips across the seam of Jim’s mouth before taking fleshy lips into a deep kiss. Dark lashes fluttered closed, shielding an ocean of emotions from his gaze, but Leonard could feel the energy of Jim’s happiness buzzing against his skin like a charged breeze heralding the coming of a summer storm.

Leonard gently broke off the kiss and pressed his forehead against Jim’s temple. “What are we doin’, Jim?”

“We’re kissing,” Jim sassed, opening his eyes. His pupils were blown wide with desire, dark waters the color of deep space, and Leonard found that he had no more self-control left. He traced Jim’s bottom lip with the tip of his tongue before taking his delectable lips into another heated kiss. He wrapped his arms around Jim’s slim form and slipped his tongue into the warm cavern of his mouth, exploring every possible inch with patient eagerness.

Leonard kissed Jim until there was no more breath in his lungs, and he finally pulled away, panting, and traced the chiseled edge of Jim’s jawline with his lips. “I’ve been wantin’ to do that for a long time now, darlin’,” Leonard confessed. “But not just with you – I want Spock, too. I want you both – I guess that makes me one sick puppy, doesn’t it?”

Jim’s delighted laughed filled the kitchen as the last note of Jimmy Hendrix’s _Angel_ faded out into silence. Leonard was about to make a quip about Jim having a kink for madness when a deep voice rumbled behind them. “Am I to understand then, doctor, that I may make a similar request for physical touch, and you will indulge me?”

The sound of Spock’s baritone voice froze the blood in Leonard’s veins. He boldly rested his hands on the sharp angles of Jim’s hips and turned to face Spock, his eyes filled with a silent challenge. The Vulcan was leaning against the doorframe, his dark eyes churning with something Leonard couldn’t decipher. Whatever it was, it didn’t seem like evidence of a negative reaction.

The psychedelic guitar riffs of Led Zeppelin’s _You Shook Me_ snaked through the room, causing goose bumps to break loose along Leonard’s arms. “Don’t you have a super brain with inhuman memorization skills, you damn Hobgoblin? Surely I don’t have to repeat myself.”

Spock pushed off from the doorframe with a graceful move that would put a geisha to shame. He stepped into the kitchen and walked over toward the stove, switching it off with a sharp flick of his wrist. The aroma of burnt marinara sauce wafted through the air, and its charred spice pulled at Leonard’s nose hairs. He dug his fingers into Jim’s hip as Spock strode closer toward them, his bare feet barely making a sound as they traveled over the glazed oak floor.

Leonard ran his eyes over Spock’s wiry body, licking his lips as he noted the way Spock’s abdominal muscles seemed to dance beneath the black t-shirt with every step he took. The Vulcan’s pace was slow and confident – determined - and Leonard couldn’t help but think that the gait resembled that of James Tiberius Kirk. Clearly, Jim and Spock had fused together into one restored entity. He wondered if he would be able to merge with them in such a complete way one day, but quickly pushed the thought away. Leonard would think about that later. Right now, there were more important things that required his focus.

He watched Spock lower himself to his knees, taking up a position right behind his body. Leonard shivered as heated hands fell upon his hips before sliding up beneath his shirt, fingertips ghosting across his stomach. Jim moaned and leaned forward past his shoulder, tilting his head for a kiss. Spock pressed up against his back and obliged, and Leonard fought to stay still as he watched the pair lose themselves within a fiery kiss, their bodies wrapped firmly around his.

“Fuck,” he breathed, reaching back with one hand to grab at Spock’s body. His fingers landed along a curved plane of a pert backside, and Leonard shivered, his cock hardening in his pants. He rocked his hips in a circular motion, the slow, undulating gesture moving in time with the sensual rhythm of the music.

Jim broke the kiss with Spock and turned his focus on Leonard’s face. “Oh God,” he panted, eyes blazing with desire and love. Leonard could feel sparks from the ethereal gaze bursting along the delicate skin of his face like firecrackers. He moaned and dropped his head against Spock’s shoulder, fascinated by the sight of Jim so close to becoming completely undone.

“Is this really happening?” Jim asked, grinding his hips into Leonard’s. He pushed his hands inside of Leonard’s shirt and entwined his fingers with Spock’s. Together, they explored Leonard’s torso, caressing the fine hair that covered his chest. Leonard hissed as one of them tweaked a nipple. He pushed himself into Jim’s body, and a choked gasp fell from his lips when Jim’s hard arousal rubbed against his own aching member.

Spock hummed low in his throat as he trailed his lips up the smooth curve of Leonard’s neck. The heat emanating from the Vulcan’s skin seemed to seep through into Leonard’s veins, setting his blood to a fine boil. He turned his head and gazed at Spock through hooded eyes, and he was taken aback by the fierce passion churning within the dark orbs staring back at him. Spock watched him for a long moment, his body completely still save for his questing fingers caressing the planes of Leonard’s torso.

Leonard found himself wanting to ask for a kiss, but his pride refused to allow the words to form on his tongue. Spock hadn’t vocalized a want for his touch, and Leonard would be damned if he started begging for kisses like a cheap whore without knowing Spock _needed_ his kisses in return. Amusement tumbled in Spock’s eyes, and the impish light blinded Leonard for a second. He was about to open his mouth and ask just what the _hell_ the damn Vulcan found so funny when Spock ran the tip of his tongue along the shell of his ear.

“I believe, Leonard, that it would be much more efficient to simply indulge in our shared yearning together instead of wasting time on the formalities that come with ‘breaking the ice’. I desire you, and you have already voiced your attraction to me. The next logical step would be to simply acquiesce to the moment. Do you not agree?”

 _‘Damn touch telepaths_ ,’ Leonard silently griped. “You really are a -”

His curse was cut off as Spock took his lips into a savage kiss. It was a war of flesh and teeth and spirit, and the heat of the Vulcan’s mouth breathed life into the burn left behind on Leonard’s tongue. It was also the one cue that Jim needed to finally _move_. He attacked Leonard’s neck and suckled on the sensitive skin with such ferocity that Leonard was sure that he was going to be covered in hickies come morning. He found that deep down he didn’t mind at all – Jim only marked something when he planned on keeping it.

Jim untangled his fingers from Spock’s and moved them toward Leonard’s pants. He quickly unfastened the three buttons holding the front panels of his jeans together and slid his hand inside, fisting Leonard’s heavy arousal in his hand. Jim pressed his face into Leonard’s shoulder. “Oh God, Bones, I want to taste you,” he breathed.

A puff of hot breath rolled down the side of his neck, singeing the sensitive skin with Spock’s hunger. “I propose we move these proceedings to a more appropriate venue,” Spock rasped, raking his teeth along the back of Leonard’s neck. Leonard jerked as Spock scraped blunt fingernails across his bellybutton.

“Yeah, I second that,” Jim moaned, releasing Leonard’s member from the confines of his clothing. He ran his tongue over the engorged tip, licking off the pre-come that had gathered at its center.

“I must be dead,” Leonard croaked, rocking his hips. Jim’s eyelashes fluttered closed, and he watched, enraptured, as his friend rolled the substance over his tongue, savoring the flavor as if it were a rare delicacy. Jim’s throat bobbed as he finally swallowed, and he pierced Leonard with a hazy gaze.

“Oh, you’re still very much alive,” Jim smirked. “But after we’re done with you, you’ll be close friends with death.”

“ _La petit mort_ ,” Spock growled in his ear, and Leonard’s brain short circuited. He slumped against Spock, lips parted and wet with saliva, and stared at Jim with hungry eyes.

“Bedroom; now,” Jim commanded, and he worked with Spock to help Leonard rise from the floor.

Shirts were peeled off and tossed aside as the trio shuffled through the living room, and Leonard’s knees buckled as Jim took his lips into a desperate kiss that spoke of an immense longing that matched the one he’d been carrying for weeks. Could it be that Leonard hadn’t been pining alone for the want of something _more_? Spock caught his falling weight and shifted their direction toward the nearest place of rest, which was a wide, over cushioned reading chair that Leonard knew belonged to Spock.

Jim slipped out of his jeans and moved to sit on the chair, his posture slouched and muscled legs spread wide open. Spock grazed the length of Leonard’s twitching cock with the very tips of his fingers before pushing Leonard’s boxers and jeans over his hips and down his legs. The satin and denim materials pooled around Leonard’s feet, and he barely had mind enough to step out of them without tripping.

He heard rustling behind him and Spock’s pants fell to the floor, landing right beside Leonard’s abandoned jeans.  Leonard noted that there were no undergarments mixed in, and the realization made his heart stutter. “Sweet Jesus, is he commando _all_ of the time?” he gasped.

Jim pulled Leonard into his lap and ran his hands appreciatively over the soft globes of his backside. “Yes,” he groaned, thrusting up against Leonard’s body. “And it’s the hottest convenience that I’ve ever had the privilege to be acquainted with.” He leaned forward and bit into a pectoral muscle. “Tell me, Bones, have you ever had a blow job in the turbolift right before a shift?”

“ _Fuckin’ hell_ , you two are goin’ to be the death of me.”

“Perhaps,” Spock panted, moving to stand behind Leonard. “But you will enjoy it all, doctor – every single instance of death, and the following resuscitation.”

“Spock, grab the lube,” Jim ordered, nipping at Leonard’s jaw.

Leonard felt Spock lean down and pull a tube of lubricant from a hidden pocket on the side of the chair. “Really, Jim, lube in the damn _living room_?”

Jim laughed, pressing his face into Leonard’s neck. He nuzzled the curve of Leonard’s throat, and kneaded the soft flesh he still held in his hands. “What can I say, we like to be prepared. This is actually one of our favorite spots to…indulge… in one another.”

A tremor crawled up Leonard’s spine as Jim pulled the cheeks of his backside apart. A slim finger slick with lubricant caressed his wrinkled opening for a long moment before pushing inside of his body. Leonard whined low in his throat and pushed his hips back, offering Jim and Spock everything that he had to give.

“I’m sorry, Bones,” Jim panted, “as much as we would love to explore you in the proper way, we just can’t wait anymore.”

“Do it,” Leonard hissed. “There’ll be plenty of time for explorin’ later. I’m not ever goin’ anywhere, darlin’. I’ll stay as long as you’ll have me.”

Jim gave him a dazzling, flirty smile and pressed a kiss into Leonard’s temple. “Is that a marriage vow, Bones?”

“Maybe.”

“Good; ditto.”

“Likewise, gentlemen.”

And then the world faded from existence.

There was only Jim and Spock and Leonard, touches and kisses and pleasure filled moans. Leonard’s lovers kept him secured between them, and never before had he known the pleasure of making love to two people simultaneously. For a while, it was as if the three of them had merged together, fused to one another via each individual touch and shared breath. An ingenious flick of the tongue along a puckered opening; fingertips digging into flesh slippery with sweat; a thrust of hips into a willing body; a sharp tug to hair already fisted tight within a desperate hold. Each movement shared between the trio sent Leonard’s spirit spiraling toward Jim’s and Spock’s energy so fast he was sure they all began and ended from the same points in time and space.

Leonard had taken his lovers into his body together, and the initial stretch of flesh was bittersweet. He’d needed a reference point to stare at in order to keep himself composed, and Leonard had stared at the ink stain marring the armrest. For the first few seconds, he thought he was taking a Rorschach test. The black blob seemed to morph before his eyes as his lovers pushed into his body, and he was fascinated by the fact that every image that came to mind had to do with family and home. Leonard saw the outline of a house, a bonfire, and a pecan tree before a worried voice had pulled his focus back to the moment.

“Are you all right, Leonard? Are you experiencing an excess amount of pain?”

“I’m okay, my dear,” Leonard wheezed. “But I won’t be if you two don’t start movin’ soon.”

He acclimated quickly to the intense thickness filling his body, and Spock and Jim didn’t hesitate to take Leonard up on his request. It took them less than a minute to find a rhythm that appeased them all. His genius lovers were also quick to discover the exact angle that led to his prostate, and Leonard had only been able to withstand the onslaught of pleasure for a few heartbeats before he fell into a sea of overwhelming pleasure. His heart stopped and he threw his head back, mouth open in a silent scream.

Choked moans filled the room seconds later as liquid heat filled his body, and Leonard fell forward on top of Jim in a sweaty, panting mess. Spock rested his forehead against his right shoulder blade, and he carefully extracted his softening cock from Leonard’s backside. A warm gush of seminal fluid followed after Spock, trekking down the inside of Leonard’s thigh.

“Shit, that’s so hot,” Jim gasped. His eyes were blown open wide – the sight of them stole what little breath Leonard had left. “I just want to suck it all out of you.”

A shaky laugh rumbled in Leonard’s chest. “I – that may be way too much for me right now.” Jim slowly pulled out of his body, and another wave of semen dribbled down Leonard’s thigh.

“I shall go gather some towels,” Spock offered, pressing a kiss to the back of Leonard’s neck. He stepped away without waiting for a reply, and Leonard couldn’t help but burrow into Jim’s chest. He heard Spock moving around the restroom down the hall, and the domestic sounds soothed something deep within his heart. This is where he wanted to be.

Jim nuzzled the skin behind Leonard’s ear. “Did you mean what you said earlier?” he breathed, biting gently on an earlobe.

“Did I mean what?” Leonard hummed, idly caressing Jim’s chest with his index finger. He wasn't really ready for this type of talk yet, but Jim always got what he wanted.

“That you’ll stay with us always,” Jim reminded. “We’ve been in love with you for a while now, Bones.”

Leonard swallowed hard and covered Jim’s heart with his hand. “I don’t make promises lightly, Jim. I’m yours and Spock’s as long as you two want me. I’ll still be yours even if the day comes when you both decide to move on without me.”

“You should know that’s never going to happen,” Jim sighed. “Now that we have you, we’re not ever going to let you go.”

“You don’t know what the future will bring, Jim,” Leonard pointed out. The air shifted in the room, announcing Spock’s return. He let out a content sigh as Spock carefully cleaned the tender opening of his backside with a cool, damp towel.

“You are correct in your assessment, doctor,” Spock intoned. He helped Leonard shift toward a vacant spot on the chair right beside Jim. “The future is indeed unknown. However, you will find that both the captain and I are fairly determined individuals, and as Jim has already stated, you have held our fascination for quite some time. I assure you, Leonard, that what we…feel…is not an empty impulse.”

Leonard tore his gaze away from Spock, cursing the wetness gathering in his eyes. He wiped his face and stared at the splotch staining the chair, swallowing down a bark of laughter as he saw an outline of a mountain. He knew this relationship was going to take work, lots of elbow grease keep the balance steady, but he was sure that it was worth the fight. Nothing good lasted forever, but Leonard had never been one to turn his back on a blessing.

“So we’re really doin’ this, then,” he posed. He ran his fingers over the dried ink.

Jim chuckled. “Let’s go to bed, Bones. Spock and I will help you move your stuff in tomorrow.”

“Now wait just a damn minute!” Leonard cried, sitting up. “I don’t recall me agreein’ to movin’ in with you two yahoos! These things are sensitive. You can’t rush ‘em!”

“You do realize that we’ve all been dating for years now, right?” Jim laughed. He smacked Leonard’s naked thigh. “I’ve waited long enough for you to reach out, Bones. Haven’t you waited too long, Spock?”

“Indeed I have.”

“Fine then,” Leonard grumbled. “On the condition that I do all the cookin’ from now on – Mr. Prodigy here damn near killed himself earlier trying to spice some sauce. And I won’t eat replicated crap unless I have to.”

Spock snorted and sat near Jim’s other side. “I find myself amenable to your request, doctor.”

“Just so the two of you know, I drool when I sleep heavy.”

“To put it simply, Jim is known to snore.”

“Hey! I do _not_ snore.”

“I am afraid that I am going to have to disagree with you, captain, as I have personally witnessed several occasions where you have indeed led a chorus of….”

Leonard laughed softly, closing his eyes as he leaned his head back against the chair. He could hear Jim and Spock arguing beside him, but their words were muted, nothing but white noise simmering beneath the steady hum of Spock and Jim’s vibrant energies. Leonard didn’t know what he had done to deserve this, but he was grateful for this chance at happiness. He planned on holding it close for as long as he was able. Leonard’s fingers unconsciously dug into the stain on the armrest as he drifted off to sleep, content with the feeling that he had finally found his way home.


	4. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonard has an epiphany and realizes that he has to confront old demons if he's ever going to be able to really move forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I would first like to apologize for the serious delay in getting this chapter finished and posted. It's been a rather rough month - between computer issues, bouts of depression, and just random life matters, I haven't had much energy to invest in writing. 
> 
> I would like to thank everyone who has taken the time to read this fic and leave a comment. You guys have no idea how much your kind words have motivated me to keep writing. <3
> 
> I've been posting previews to future Interludes on my tumblr: http://lucidstillness.tumblr.com/.
> 
> Also, I took serious liberties with time and technology in this chapter. :x I apologize if this throws anyone off.

 

_______________________________________________________________________

_“What were all those dreams we shared_  
_those many years ago?_  
_What were all those plans we made now_  
_left beside the road?_  
_Behind us in the road….”_

~ Pearl Jam, The End

________________________________________________________________________

 

_“Did you mean what you said earlier?”_

_“Did I mean what?”_

_“That you’ll stay with us always.”_

Leonard jerked awake, cursing as a sharp cramp ripped through the side of his neck. He’d fallen asleep sitting up with his head resting against one side of the transporter stall, which meant that he’d have a crick in his neck for at least a week. He rubbed some of the ache from his muscles and pushed himself to his feet.

The room was dark, save for a sliver of moonlight that had managed to push through two velvet drapes. Leonard shuffled over toward the window and jerked the heavy panels apart. Shock froze his heart as he was greeted by a framed image of an open night sky filled with thousands of winking stars.

“Well I’ll be damned,” Leonard breathed. He stared out into the vastness of space for a long moment before he forced himself to turn away. He couldn’t bear to look at the stars, especially after the dream he’d just had. It had been a long time since Leonard had thought about the day he had finally given into his need for Jim and Spock. He wasn’t surprised that the memory had finally forced its way to the front part of his mind – he’d been ignoring it for more than a month now.

Leonard sighed and passed his hands down the length of his face as he dropped his body on a covered sitting chair. A cloud of dust flew up around his form, and the aged springs cried out and shifted under the unexpected addition of weight. The metallic scream swallowed the groan bubbling in Leonard’s throat.

“I think I may have jumped the gun.” The words were whispered against the tips of trembling fingers, but the weight of his voice seemed to fill the room from corner to corner. Leonard stared out into the darkness and tried to remember how he had come to be so far from home.

He traced the outlines of the yellow tea roses adorning the wallpaper over and over again until the petals flew free from their receptacles and blurred his vision. The images of the expressions on Spock’s and Jim’s faces during his transport were burned into the inner parts of his brain. He didn’t think any amount of time would ever be able to wear down the sharp edges of the memory.

Leonard’s gaze turned inward, and he stared deep into the eyes of his lovers. He could see the love burning so clearly within their gazes – any fool with half a brain standing in the transporter station that afternoon would have been able to see the depth of their affection for Leonard.

But he knew that love wasn’t enough. All three of them had chosen to ignore the decay of their relationship. Jim and Spock had shut him out, and Leonard had allowed it to happen without protest. Anger burned through his veins as he realized that he was as much to blame as Jim and Spock.

Leonard _should_ have fought for his place in his family, but he didn’t – and he didn’t know _why_ he’d stayed silent. He slumped into the soft embrace of the chair, and his mother's ghost once again breathed Neruda into his thoughts. “ _Our own wounds heal with weeping_ ….”

He could go back right now, fueled by his self-directed rage, and confront Jim and Spock. He could demand answers – pull them out by force if he had to. There were plenty of drug cocktails that he could utilize for this purpose if he really wanted. He knew just how to tweak Jim’s dose to render it safe for his high maintenance metabolic system.

And if they still chose to fight against him, Leonard would muster up his resolve and tell Jim and Spock that they were heartless bastards. He’d tell them that he didn’t deserve their apathy; especially after all they had been through together. That particular conversation would probably end with him wishing them a nice afterlife in hell. Leonard would walk away a broken man, but at least he would have the chance to say his piece.

But he knew to do so would be his complete undoing. If Leonard gave into anger now, the love that he had for Jim and Spock would sour. The last thing he wanted was to hate his longtime friends for something that he, and probably Jim and Spock, didn’t even understand. The best thing for them all was for Leonard to carry out his original plan so that everyone could have space.

Leonard needed to sort himself out so that he could try to pinpoint when everything had started to fall apart. Only then would he be able to face Jim and Spock with a clear mind - they all deserved answers and closure. He just wasn’t ready to face any of it yet. Leonard needed to mentally prepare himself for the inevitable confrontation, and that was going to take some serious time and personal healing. He’d have to let the wounds bleed until all poison of self-doubt left his system.

If Leonard had gained any positive traits during his time with his lovers, it was his newfound ability to think before he made an impulse move. This was a lesson that had been bestowed to him from Spock. It wasn’t a skill that he used all the time, but he always seemed to just _know_ when a situation required a steady hand. This intuitive awareness was something that Jim had planted and nurtured within him.

A strange sense of calm took root in Leonard’s center, and his eyelids grew heavy and fell shut. There was time to fix things, even if it was just to mend his friendship with the two people he held most dear. He would rather have Jim and Spock in his life as friends, than to not have them at all.

Sleep pulled at his consciousness, and the last thought that waded through Leonard’s mind was that he was one sick, greedy bastard.

 

**~** *****

The smell of bacon toasting in a pan pulled Leonard from his deep slumber. He crinkled his nose and heard Jim bellyaching from somewhere across the room. “ _Aww, Bones, you know I hate when you cook bacon. My hair is going to stink until I shower again!_ ”

“Shut the hell up, you whiny brat,” he groused, turning on his side. “I don’t have time to deal with your image issues right now.”

“Well now, is that any way to talk to the lady who took the time to cook you breakfast?”

Leonard’s eyes flew open at the sound of a female voice, and he bolted upright. A young brunette was standing in front of him holding a plate filled to the brim with food. He blinked owlishly, not quite believing what he was seeing. “I beg your pardon?”

“Good morning, doc,” the girl laughed. “Rub the sleep out of your eyes and come have some breakfast. I’ll set your plate down in the kitchen.”

“Okay,” Leonard croaked. The stranger winked at him, which set his nerves on edge. He watched her walk out of the room, her slim hips swinging from side to side. Something in his gut told him that she wasn’t afraid of playing with fire. He’d have to be careful around her.

Leonard glanced around the living room, now lit up with sunlight, and realized that he had fallen asleep in a chair. One night away from home and he was already picking up bad habits, like waking up in weird places with bold hosts. He stretched his achy legs and scrubbed his face with the palms of his hands. How had the girl entered Minerva’s locked down house? More importantly, who was she? He pushed himself out of the chair and reluctantly traced the path the intruder had used to head toward the kitchen.

His steps eventually led him to a moderate sized kitchen that thrummed with an intimacy which reminded him too much of home. The pale peach color of the walls highlighted the bright, white trim of the crown molding. A large, gas stove took center stage near the back part of the room, and Leonard couldn’t help but wonder how many home cooked meals had been prepared on it. He knew Jim would have loved the stove just for its history. For Jim, home cooked food was synonymous with family.

“Well, what are you waiting for, doc? Sit down and dig in.”

Leonard eyed the twin ceramic plates and mismatched silverware the girl had set on the simple oak table. He sat down in front of the nearest one and picked up a fork with crooked teeth. “Who are you?” he asked, clearing his throat.

“My name is Nancy Pagano,” the brunette replied. “I’m Minerva’s neighbor.” She tucked a lock of wavy hair behind her ear and gave Leonard a flirtatious smile.

Leonard traced the delicate planes of Nancy’s face with an appreciative eye. Once upon a time, she would have caught his interest. He was a sucker for cute hometown girls with a touch of sass. But things had changed – time had transformed his character and sharpened his spirit. Now all Leonard wanted was to spend his life lying in the warmth of the desert with a clear blue sky blanketing every inch of his soul.

“Well, I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, Nancy,” Leonard began. “I really do appreciate the breakfast, but I would like to know how you got into Minerva’s house. Thieves don’t usually stay around and cook after breakin’ into a place. ”

Nancy speared a bite of scrambled egg and pulled the morsel off the fork with her lips. She stared at Leonard while she chewed, and the heated look in her dark brown eyes made him want to fidget in his seat. She swallowed and waved her fork about the room.

“I’m the caretaker of this place,” Nancy explained. “I come in once a month and clean up the dust. I wasn’t due to come in for another two weeks, but Minerva contacted me last night and told me that she was going to have a visitor staying here for a while. I was instructed to fill the fridge with groceries and tidy the place up for you.”

Leonard picked up a slice of bacon from the plate and took a bite. It was crisp and smoky, just how he liked it. “I appreciate your care,” he mumbled, “but I can’t say that she told me anythin’ about you.”

A laugh rumbled seductively in Nancy’s throat. “There’s not much to tell, doc.”

She rose from her seat and walked over toward the tiled counter. Leonard watched her rummage through the cupboard, and he found himself smiling when she had step up on the tips of her toes just to reach the coffee mugs on the top shelf. Nancy’s bright pink blouse rode up the sides of her body, giving him a peek at her ribs. He could see the outline of color etched into the pale skin of one side and wondered what kind of tattoo she had dared to get inked on her body. No doubt she had done it to piss off Mommy and Daddy.

Nancy filled two mustard yellow cups with fresh coffee and walked back toward the table, setting one down in front of Leonard. He noticed she didn’t bother adding sugar or cream to either mug. “I was born and raised here. I thought about going to college after graduating, but I haven’t gotten around to it yet. I’m working as a waitress at _Shay’s,_ the only diner in town, while I figure things out.”

She sighed and sat back down across from Leonard. “My mom was friends with Aunt Minnie from childhood to the day she passed on a couple of years ago, so that kind of makes Minerva my second mom.”

“I’m sorry about your mom,” Leonard offered. He took a sip of coffee and tried not to think about his own loss. He knew how much the death of a mother could permanently rearrange someone’s insides.

Nancy shrugged, and the action grated on Leonard’s nerves. He made sure to keep a neutral expression on his face. “It gets easier to deal with everything after a while,” she continued. “Anyways, that’s pretty much my life in a nutshell.”

“That story doesn’t really say much about your personality.”

“If you want information on _that_ subject, you’re going to have to ask nicely. Maybe buy me dinner first,” Nancy smirked. “Now are you going to eat your breakfast or not?”

“Well, you took the time to cook it, so I guess the least I can do is take the time to eat it,” Leonard replied, giving Nancy a tight smile. He finished off his half eaten slice of bacon and moved on to the lukewarm scrambled eggs. He wasn’t quite sure what to make of her blatant flirting – he didn’t like it, but she was Minerva’s kin of sorts. It would probably be a smart thing to keep in Nancy’s good graces.

“So, Aunt Minnie tells me that you might open up shop here, doc. What brings you out here to the flat lands of West Texas?”

Bile crawled up Leonard’s esophagus and kissed the back of his throat, but he quickly washed it down with coffee. “I’m lookin’ for a fresh start,” he barked. “You know, one with no questions about what was.”

His gruff comment seemed to pique Nancy’s interest instead of warning her off. She propped her chin on the back of a dainty hand and gave Leonard a knowing smile. “In other words you just separated from your significant other, probably your high school sweetheart wife, and now you’re looking to move on.”

Leonard snorted at Nancy’s audacity and forced himself to swallow down a bite of eggs. ‘ _More like my Starfleet husbands_ ’, he thought. “Hate to burst your bubble, honey, but that little scenario played itself out years ago.” He didn’t add that the setup seemed to be a lifetime curse.

“Oh?” Nancy sat back in her chair. “Well, that certainly does change things.”

“What makes you say that?”

“If you’re not on rebound, then I have no clue what the hell you’re doing here in the middle of nowhere.”

“I’m here to be a doctor because that’s what I am,” Leonard frowned, setting down his fork. “I heard this place was in need of a physician. Does there really have to be any other reason?”

“I guess not,” Nancy shrugged. She took a sip of coffee and stared at Leonard over the rim of her chipped mug. “So what are your plans?”

Leonard shook his head and scratched at his chin. He really was going to have to shave before his mature stubble turned into a full grown beard. “First, I’m goin’ to clear the table and wash the dishes since you cooked breakfast.”

He rose from his seat and stacked the plates and silverware before moving to place the small pile near the sink. “When I’m done cleanin’ up, I’m goin’ to go check out this clinic Minerva has tucked away in the back yard somewhere.”

It took him two minutes to prepare the dish water, and Leonard was mildly pleased that Minerva kept unscented dish soap on hand. He hated the artificial fruity scent most commercial soaps insisted on using. “After that, who knows? I might just go park my backside in the grass somewhere and contemplate life for a while. You know, since I’m supposed to be mopin’ around like some lovesick fool for your entertainment or somethin’.”

Nancy’s laugh caught him off guard. He turned and gave her a wry look. “What’s so damn funny?”

She rose from her seat and sashayed toward the back door. “You know what _your_ personality reminds me of, Dr. Davidson? A plum; those babies are pretty tasty, but you have to get used to their bittersweet flavor.” Her eyelashes fluttered slightly as they lowered just a millimeter. “The sweet meat of a ripe plum is so worth having to bite through bitter skin just to taste.”

Leonard sputtered, which pulled another laugh from deep within Nancy’s belly. She turned the iron handle and stepped out into the late morning sunshine. “Call me if you need any help cleaning up, Plum. My number is taped to the handle of the phone – we’re old fashioned like that.”

Nancy closed the door behind her, and Leonard watched her walk away through the large picture window in the kitchen. She had just turned past a far corner of the brick house when he realized three things. One, his gut had been right about Nancy being nothing but trouble. Two, the girl had called him Dr. Davidson, and the last time he’d checked, his name was Leonard Horatio McCoy. Three, Nancy had already christened him with a nickname, which cemented the fact that he was currently standing in a fresh pile of manure.

“Goddamnit.”

Leonard quickly washed the dishes and put them away. The mismatched houseware items that filled the cupboards soothed the discomfort biting at his bones. Everything he’d encountered in the house so far seem to be broken in and relaxed, a feature that he was in desperate need of. He dried his hands on a terry cloth towel and retraced the path he’d stored away in his mind to find his way back to the living room.

His first order of business was to go through his bag and investigate why Nancy had referred to him as Dr. Davidson. He pulled out the envelope that Minerva had given him and rifled through its contents. Inside Leonard found several documents: a high school diploma, three college degrees of varying rank from Ole Miss, and every certificate he owned as a doctor – only each and every one had been issued to a Horatio Davidson.

Leonard stared at the documents in his hand and realized that Minerva had given him an alias – a new life if he so chose. He would be able to go on living as himself, just with a different name. He stared at the last name and blinked back a sudden wave of tears. Davidson. Son of David. Leonard slipped the documents back into the envelope and tucked it back into his bag. He would have to buy frames and hang them up.

His second order of business was to remove the dusty, white sheets covering the furniture. Leonard bunched them up and tossed the large pile into a closet that sat near the front door. He vowed to put them away properly after he got settled in, but a small part of him recognized it to be an empty promise. He hated tending to laundry.

Spock had always been the one to take care of laundry duty. The process of washing, drying, and folding, which was repetitive procedure, had always seemed to help center Spock’s thoughts during downtime. Leonard shook his head and steered his thoughts toward a different direction. He moved through the rest of the small home and committed its layout to memory. Minerva’s home was a three bedroom, one story house with a full size attic and a large basement area that housed the washer and dryer.

Every room of the house was painted, mostly calm pastel hues, but every wall was bare. There were no personal pictures, no canvases of art or any other wall décor. Leonard could feel the life thrumming from deep within the walls, but something told him that it was nothing more than an echo of a past life. He wasn’t privy to his mentor’s personal history, but he knew that she had never married.

Leonard ran his fingers over faded lilac paint as he walked down the main hallway of the house. He remembered wanting to buy a big country house and fill it with children before he had even asked Jocelyn to marry him. He’d had a simple family life all planned out for his brood, right down to the different styles of bedframes that he would craft for each one of his children. The boys would get simple headboards made out of heartwood. His girls would be a different story – Leonard had been prepared to carve elaborate fairytale creatures into the center of their headboards.

Joanna’s baby face flashed in his mind’s eye, all rosy cheeks and porcelain skin, and Leonard felt the ghost of her chubby fingers wrapped around his thumb. He stilled his steps and leaned against the wall with a heavy sigh. His girl would be just a little over seven now. Leonard wondered if the baby curls had fallen out of her ash blonde hair yet. He hoped not.

Jocelyn hadn’t made contact since the day she left him. He’d reached out only once to ask for pictures of his Jo, maybe even talk with her, but Jocelyn had shot him down. ‘ _Hell no, Lenny. Jo already has a daddy, and it ain’t you_.’

He’d been two years into the academy when this happened. Jim had commented on his change of mood, but one sour look from Leonard had quickly shut him up. Jim must’ve known that Jocelyn had fucked him over again somehow, as Leonard really had no one else in his life, but he never said anything. Instead, he’d sat with Leonard every night after classes for a week straight watching old western reruns while drinking cheap beer.

Goddamn how Leonard had loved Jim for that.

He’d been able to shove his pain down with Jim’s support and focus on finishing up his time in the academy. Leonard had always figured that he would be in a better position to fight for Jo afterwards, but he’d never had a chance. He was shoved into a war almost overnight and there’d been no time to look back.

But Leonard could clearly see now that there had been time. He’d just chosen to ignore the chance.

He slapped the wall with his palm and pressed his forehead against it. The raised nubs of the speckled paint pressed deep into his skin, allowing Leonard to focus his thoughts.  He was a cowardly fool, and it was about time that he recognized this disability of his - with the intent to cure it. Why Leonard always seemed to choose the easy route of walking away instead of fighting was something he didn’t really understand. He just knew it had started sometime after the death of his mother….

Leonard pushed himself off of the wall and ambled over toward the living room. He wasn’t ready to think about that time, not yet. More than that, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to face those demons alone. He’d need Minerva’s help, but he wasn’t due to see her anytime soon. Until then, he would focus on fixing some of the wrong that he’d already done and reach out to Joanna.

Santa Fe, New Mexico was more than a hop, skip, and jump away from where he was, but Leonard was willing to make whatever trek he needed to in order to reach his baby girl. The only bad thing was that he was going to need some help to get started. He grimaced as he thought about his only contact here in Texas, but he forced himself to locate the phone. Maybe Nancy was incapable of acting like an adult, but Leonard was a damn doctor – he lived and breathed professionalism on a daily basis.

He finally found the phone tucked away in a dark corner of the master bedroom. It was black and had a large base – the device looked like something right out of his childhood. Why this town hadn’t upgraded their technology was beyond Leonard, but he wasn’t complaining. The less high tech machinery he had to mess with, the better. Something told him that transporter stations were few and far in between throughout these parts.

He picked up the handset and punched in the number that had been written on the pink slip of paper taped on the back. Apprehension twisted in his gut, and he began to second guess his choice to reach out to Nancy for help.

Leonard was about to hang up when someone picked up on the other line. He cleared his throat. “Hi, Nancy? It’s…Dr. Davidson. I was wonderin’ if you could give me some transportation tips for this side of…Texas…”

 

**~** *****

“Well, there you go, doc.”

Leonard stared at the old Chevy truck sitting inside the vintage barn and gave Nancy a disbelieving look. “This old thing still runs?” He couldn’t stop staring at the random rust stains marring the truck’s white paint.

“Yep,” Nancy smiled. “This is Willa – she used to belong to Minerva’s granddad or something like that. The truck may be from the late twenty-first century, but it still runs. The parts are all in good condition – Minerva is mindful about having it checked out every six months. She’s only made one modification to the truck.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s solar powered.”

Leonard whistled. “Now that’s something. Where are the panels?”

“On the roof,” Nancy smiled. “They’re completely shatterproof, so there’s no need to worry about losing power from a freak act of nature.”

“Nice.”

“Anyways, Willa will take you wherever you need to go; even all the way to New Mexico.” Nancy poked him in the shoulder with her index finger. “You got a girl waiting on you or something?”

“Sure do,” Leonard smirked, “my daughter, Jo.”

“Well, well, you keep on surprising me, Plum. Here I thought you were all gung ho about getting the clinic up and running.”

Leonard chuckled and stared up into the late afternoon sky. There wasn’t a cloud in sight. “There will be time for that later – it’s not like I’m goin’ to stop being a doctor overnight or somethin’. Right now, I have more important things to get started on.”

“Oh, yeah? Like what?”

“Like livin’.”

 


	5. IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonard travels to New Mexico and makes amends, not only with Jocelyn and Joanna, but also with himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I really want to thank everyone reading this fic for your patience. <3 
> 
> This chapter took a while to put together, mostly because Jocelyn scared my Bones muse - he swore she was trying to seduce him. It took a while to coax out from the hole he'd taken refuge in lol. Also, I have included a picture of what I feel Joanna McCoy looks like at the end of the chapter - the little girl from the movie Dragonfly is my headcanon of her, and nothing anyone can say will ever be able to change that (she's just a little older in my head). :)
> 
> Also, I think it's time I look for a beta reader, but I have no idea where to start looking. Does anyone have any suggestions for any communities I can post in?
> 
> Oh, one last thing! The nickname that Leonard's mom used for him will be explained in the next chapter.

 _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

_Well I stumbled in the darkness, I'm lost and alone._

_Though I said I'd go before us, and show the way back home._

_Is there a light up ahead? I can't hold on very long._

_Forgive me, pretty baby, but I always take the long way home”_

 

_~_ Tom Waits _, Long Way Home_

 _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Leonard had forced himself to be patient and wait a full day before taking off to New Mexico. He’d turned down Nancy’s offer to accompany him as a guide, but it hadn’t been an easy feat to accomplish. The woman was beyond hard headed - Leonard knew military dogs, soldiers through and through, who were less stubborn than Nancy. It was obvious that Minerva’s tenacity had rubbed off on her in the worst of ways.

He’d finally managed to ward Nancy off by informing her that his trip was official family business that he intended to resolve alone. Leonard might have thrown out Jocelyn’s name just to seal the deal. His gut told him that his new neighbor found him…interesting. So he’d taken a page out of Jim’s _Leap Before Looking_ playbook and gambled that she wasn’t ready to deal with an ex-wife. Thankfully, his bet had paid off. It was a strategic move he knew Spock would have approved of.

Leonard had thought about messaging Minerva to explain his plans to go out of town, but he figured she didn’t really need to know. It wasn’t like he was going to be gone long. Also, he was sure Nancy would make that phone call for him, which would spare him from having to answer any needling questions. The last thing he needed was for Minerva’s psychological mind games to make him second guess his choice to make contact with Jo.

It had been easier to track Jocelyn down than Leonard had thought it would be. She was surprisingly still listed under the last contact number that she’d given him, which meant she was still staying in the same place. He wasn’t sure what to think of this – either his ex-wife had managed to finally set roots and find some type of contentment, or she’d stayed because there was nowhere else to go. He hoped for his sake that it wasn’t the latter.

Leonard sighed, blinking furiously, and pinched the bridge of his nose. The long, lonely road from Texas to New Mexico was taking a toll on his mind. There was nothing but miles of ochre earth and hardened shrubs as far as the eye could see. All of the radio stations had died three hours into the drive. Willa’s outdated radio was broadcasting nothing but muted white noise - which left Leonard nothing to focus on except memories he wasn’t ready to face, and thought trails he just didn’t care to follow.  

He was about two hours from Santa Fe, and his nerves were starting to frazzle. It was around mid-day, and Leonard decided it was time for a break. The next town coming up was Santa Rosa, and it was just as good of place as any to stop. Leonard pulled into a convenience store called Flying J’s as soon as he hit the city lines, and parked Willa in a gravel parking lot.

He was about to switch off the ignition when the radio suddenly burst into life and filled the cabin with an old earth song that he hadn’t heard in years. It had been one of his mother’s favorites, and she’d played the song at least once during her daily afternoon reading.

_“Well I’ve been afraid of changing ‘cause I built my life around you. But time makes you bolder, children get older, and I’m getting older, too.”_

He was instantly transported to his mother’s sunroom, filled with her prized, white rattan furniture, luminous ivy plants, and adored red spider lilies. The scent of Eleanora’s honeysuckle perfume invaded his senses, and the sweetness dancing on his tongue reminded him of the honey that she used in her chamomile tea.

_“Why doesn’t dad ever come in an’ read with you, mama?”_

_“It’s not his thing, baby. But I’m glad you like readin’. It means you an’ I can spend time together like this.”_

_“Don’t you like spendin’ time with dad?”_

_“Well, yes, but you wanna know a secret, ‘Ratio?”_

_“What’s that?”_

_“Just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean you have to give ‘em everything. You can put away a little of who you are an’ save it just for yourself. You have to, baby, otherwise you’ll get lost, an’ then you’ll never find to your way home again.”_

The loud shrill of a car honking down the street broke Leonard free of his reverie. He shook his head and realized that his face was wet. Leonard turned off the radio and took in a shuddering breath, wiping hot tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand. A tall, human woman speaking on a wrist communicator walked past the front of the truck toting a crying child behind her. It was obvious she was trying her best to ignore her son. The boy couldn’t be more than three.

Leonard slumped in his seat, instantly angry with the woman. His mother had never acted indifferently toward him, even when he invaded her personal time.

Eleanora McCoy had always preferred sitting in the loveseat when she spent time in her room. She’d spent so many hours curled up in the corner closest to the window that its blue floral print cushion was flatter on that side. As soon as Leonard was done with his after school chores, he would shuffle over toward the sunroom and drape himself across his mother’s lap. She never did scold him for coming in covered in dirt and sweat.

A pool of sadness welled within Leonard’s chest, filling his heart with longing. He’d lost so much time with Joanna, and he had no one to blame but himself. It was Spock and Jim all over again –he’d failed to fight for his family. Leonard hit the steering wheel with both palms. He stared at the back of his hands and noted that the skin was no longer as smooth as it once had been. Age had hardened the organ, made his hands more steady and durable. So why hadn’t he matured on the inside, where such growth really counted?

“Goddamnit,” Leonard breathed. He turned off the ignition and sat in the silence, staring off into the bright afternoon sky. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d truly been alone. After his mother had died unexpectedly, he’d focused all of his attention on his father – and then Jocelyn. Leonard had been so busy taking care of them that there hadn’t been time to think about anything else, much less his own life. He’d distanced himself so far from his own dreams that he couldn’t remember his way back to that simple place housed inside of himself.

In the end, Starfleet had given him a direction, and Jim and Spock had given him a place of belonging.

Leonard tried in vain to swallow down the ugly knot of emotion that had crawled up his throat. What kind of fool would he look like if he broke down crying in the parking lot? Besides, he’d done enough crying over the past week. Didn’t he say that it was time to just move forward and leave the sadness behind?

Leonard cleared his throat and leaned his head back against the top of the bench seat, laying a forearm across his eyes. “I’m sorry, mama. I think it’s safe to say I lost sight of home. But I’ll find my way back – even if I have to build a road with my own hands.”

He stayed in place until the heat of the sun started to burn through his jeans. The sharpness of the sting helped Leonard focus his thoughts. As much as he wanted to walk into that store and hunt down the woman with the crying child, he had more important things to attend to. Joanna had been waiting on him to get his shit together long enough.

Leonard cranked the ignition and guided Willa back onto the road. If he dared to push the speeding limit at least five miles over, he’d make it to Santa Fe in less than two hours.

“Hang on, baby. Daddy’s comin’.”

**~** *****

 

The sun was riding high in the west when Leonard finally pulled up to Jocelyn’s house. It was a modern adobe home the color of sun kissed skin. He stepped out of the truck and stretched his tired legs. The pebbles that lined the driveway shifted beneath his boots in a quiet hum as he walked, and Leonard had a fleeting sensation of standing on the _Enterprise_. He rubbed his arms as he walked up to the gate and its heavy, wooden door, which looked like it was made of heartwood. It had been a long time since Leonard had seen something so rustic, and it warmed his heart to know that Joanna had been given a chance to taste a piece of his childhood.

The iron ring latch was unlocked, and Leonard pushed through with no fuss. A swarm of anxious butterflies took flight in his gut, and he took a moment to calm his breathing. He had no idea what he was going to say. What was the proper etiquette for showing up on an ex’s doorstep after years of no contact?

‘ _Hi, long time no see, kiddo! Just thought I’d drop in and say hello_.’ Yeah, he didn’t think that would fly at all – that kind of greeting would more than likely earn him a slap. Leonard smoothed down the front of his white oxford shirt and wished he’d checked in to a motel – he really should’ve washed the day’s grime away before announcing himself.  

He cleared his throat and unconsciously touched his front pocket. He’d tucked away the swatch of fabric in his jeans before leaving Minerva’s house, but Leonard refused to acknowledge that he wouldn’t have been able to make the trip without it. He rubbed the back of his neck and pushed the doorbell before he lost his nerve. Leonard counted the seconds in his mind while he waited.

_One Mississippi_. The last time he’d talked to Jocelyn, she’d told him to fuck off and die.

_Two Mississippi_. The last time he’d held Jo, she had chocolate cookie crumbs sitting on the corners of her rosebud mouth. Her curly hair was loose and wild around her face, and Leonard had never been more in love with anyone before.

_Three Mississippi_. Jocelyn had been his first everything. She’d been the center of Leonard’s world once.

_Four Mississippi_. He always used to sneak into Jo’s nursery after wrapping up his daily schedule of classes and hospital rotations. Leonard never made it home before two in the morning, and his girls had always been asleep long before he walked through the front door.

_Five Mississippi_. The silence in the apartment never stopped him from sitting beside Jo’s crib while he ate a quick meal, usually a cold cut sandwich. When he was done, Leonard would wrap Jo’s blonde curls around his index finger as he sang “Rose of my Heart”, trying his best to mimic Johnny Cash’s flawless cadence. Every rise and fall of his daughter’s chest that Leonard counted helped pull the stress from his muscles.

_Six Mississippi_. When Jo was around nine months old, Leonard realized that Jocelyn was starting to shut him out, but he didn’t care so long as he had his baby girl. He’d planned on fixing his marriage after he was done with school, but he never got a chance to set the idea in motion.

The creak of the metal door seeped through his pores and rattled his bones. Leonard plastered on his best imitation of a smile, and barely managed to keep his hands from sinking into the pockets of his jeans. The door was pulled open, and Leonard was greeted with the first look of Jocelyn’s face. She had aged gracefully, but he could see silver hair threaded throughout her blonde locks. They shined bright in the afternoon sun.

“Hey, Josie.”

Jocelyn snorted and shook her head. She leaned against the edge of the door and gave Leonard a bemused smile. “Well I’ll be goddamned. If it ain’t Leonard Horatio McCoy in the flesh. The man said you’d show up, an’ he was right.”

“Say what?” Leonard frowned.

“Maybe I’ll tell you about it later,” she smiled. Leonard noticed that the gesture didn’t quite meet her russet eyes. She took a step back and waved him into the foyer. “Come on in, Lenny. I imagine you’ve had a long drive.”

“Somethin’ like that,” he offered, stepping inside. He took a moment to admire the red tile lining the floor. “You’ve got a nice place here.”

Jocelyn closed the door and led Leonard to a spacious living room. She took a seat on an overstuffed loveseat and nodded toward a leather reading chair. “It’s home. Ma’s really the one behind the upkeep.”

Leonard parked himself in the chair and tried to ignore the unease biting at the back of his neck. “Maureen’s here?”

“Was,” Jocelyn corrected, blinking back a sudden wave of tears. She exhaled and pressed her fingertips against the inner corners of her eyes. “She lived with me an’ Jo for about four years or so. She passed away about three weeks ago.”

Leonard sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He wanted to wrap Jocelyn in a tight embrace because he knew how devastating it was to lose a parent, but he held back. He wasn’t sure the gesture would be welcome. “I’m sorry for your loss, Josie,” he offered instead. “How are you holdin’ up?”

“I’m not gonna lie, it’s been hard.” She cleared her throat and locked a watery gaze on Leonard’s face. “She was the one who took care of Jo, an’ our girl’s taken her loss hard.”

“Maureen took care of Jo? I’m not sure that I follow.”

Jocelyn dropped her gaze and wrung her hands in her lap. “I…kinda dropped my basket for a while, Lenny. Ma came in an’…helped me organize everything back inside so I could pick it up again.”

Leonard looked at Jocelyn for a long moment and took note of the weariness coloring her lovely face. He hadn’t noticed it before due to the shock of seeing her again after so many years, but there were worry lines tugging at the corners of her pouty mouth. Light etchings of crow’s feet adorned the outer corners of her eyes, and the sight of them tugged at Leonard’s heart.

He’d always imagined growing old with Jocelyn, and used to fantasize about the two of them making fun of each other’s aging bodies when they were old and gray. But the wrinkles currently marring his ex-wife’s face had appeared too soon. Jocelyn was younger than he was, and she had led a relatively healthy lifestyle up until their separation. There wasn’t any real reason to explain the weariness swimming in her eyes - unless she was sick.

Panic somersaulted within Leonard’s gut, and he finally gave into the urge to move. He rose from his chair and took a seat beside Jocelyn on the loveseat. Leonard didn’t even hesitate to pull her into his arms. She wrapped herself around him, and for a second, Leonard was pulled back in time. They used to sit together just like this under the oak tree in his back yard. Only now, there was a serious lack of passion vibrating under his skin. The adoration was still there, it was simply more of a familial love.

He hesitated, stroking her ponytail. “Are you sick, Jocelyn?”

“Only in the head,” she laughed, burying her face in his chest.

Hot wetness soaked into the thin cotton of Leonard’s shirt, and he held on to his oldest friend while she cried out her sorrows. He carded his fingers through the ends of her blonde hair and whispered reassuring ramblings into her ear. Jocelyn sobbed into his chest for about fifteen minutes, and they were both emotional wrecks by the end of it. Leonard rubbed her back until the hiccups stopped.

“You’re somethin’ else, Lenny,” Jocelyn sniffled. She laid her head on his shoulder.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you’re not supposed to be nice to the bitch that ruined your life.”

Leonard sighed and squeezed Jocelyn’s form. “Now, don’t you start talkin’ like that, Josie,” he murmured.  “I know you’re tryin’ to rile me up, but it’s not goin’ to work. I want you to tell me about what’s been goin’ on.”

Jocelyn shuddered against him. “I fell into a bad state of mind not too long after we split.”

“Depression?”

A nod was Jocelyn’s only response.

“Was it ‘cause of me?”

“No, it’s not really anyone’s fault,” she mumbled. “I…was waiting for you to come back to me after the divorce, Lenny. An’ you never did.”

“Josie…”

“No, let me finish damn it,” Jocelyn snapped, jumping to her feet. She tugged at her highlighted fringe with both hands and paced in front of the sofa. “I – the divorce was nothin’ but a big temper tantrum, Len,” she began. Her voice cracked, and Leonard could see her lower lip quivering.

“I – was so tired of being alone,” she finally continued. She stopped walking and stared hard at a spot on the floor. “You always had other things on your mind. You spent all your time takin’ care of everyone else but me, strangers for cryin’ out loud! An’ I hated you for it,” Jocelyn hissed.

She speared Leonard with an angry, betrayed gaze. “I gave up everything to be with you, Len, an’ you just tucked me away in the damn apartment like a prized puppy that you’d pet every now an’ then.”

Jocelyn released a shaky breath and wrapped her arms around herself. “An’ there was Jo – God I could see how much you loved her, Lenny. Any other mother would’ve loved you more for it, but seein’ how gentle you were with her bothered me somethin’ fierce. I could barely stand it.” The last word was cut off by a choked sob, and Jocelyn laughed into her hand. 

“Every night when you got off from work, the first thing you did was march right on up into Jo’s nursery and sit with her until you were ready for bed. I could hear you sing to her, an’ it just ate at me in a way I can’t even begin to describe.”

Tears pooled in Leonard’s eyes, and he took in a ragged breath. He covered his mouth with the tips of his fingers and shook his head. “ _Why_?”

“Because you’ve only ever sang to people you love, Lenny,” Jocelyn whimpered. “You sang to your mama during the week she was in a coma, an’ I know you used to sing to her when you two would sit in that damn sunroom of hers.”

She took in a shuddering breath. “You even sang to your daddy after he got sick. You waited until after you sedated him, so he wouldn’t know, but you would sit with him for hours just singing all of his ol’ favorites while you waited for him to wake up. But you never sang for me.”

Leonard pushed himself to his feet and took a step toward Jocelyn. “Josie…”

“No!” she cried, taking a step back. “You have to hear it all, Leonard.”

He stilled his steps and waited for her to continue. The tears he’d been holding back finally spilled over, and Leonard quickly wiped them away. He’d always wondered why Jocelyn had been so angry with him at the end, and now he was finally getting answers. He just wasn’t so sure he wanted to hear them anymore.

“When you finished medical school an’ started working even longer hours at the hospital, I couldn’t take it anymore, Len. I wanted to hurt you so you would know what I was feeling. So I decided I was goin’ to leave an’ take Jo with me, even though I – even though I didn’t really want her.”

All of the blood in Leonard’s veins froze over, stilling the movement of his lungs and choking off his breath. “ _What did you just say_?” he wheezed. “Tell me I just didn’t hear what I think I heard, Jocelyn, _please_.”

“Dr. Simmons told me that I more than likely had postpartum depression after Joanna was born,” Jocelyn revealed. “An’ since it never got treated, it festered until it eventually reached another level, one that was more intense.”

Guilt twisted at Leonard’s heart. He’d gone right back to work after Jo was born because he couldn’t financially afford to take time off. If he’d been home more, if he’d bothered to call and check up on Jocelyn like as much as he called checking on Jo, then maybe he would’ve caught on to what was going on in his home.

“I should’ve known, Josie,” Leonard gasped. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. If I’d been around more, I would’ve been able to see the signs. I could’ve helped you.”

“It’s not your fault, Len,” Jocelyn assured. “I should’ve talked to you about how I was feelin’. I had people to reach out to, but I never did. Not until I moved out here that is. I didn’t even last a week in this house before I had to call Ma over to come help out. She took Jo off my hands so I could get the house settled.”

She turned away from Leonard, clearing her throat. “After she left, it was just me an’ Jo, an’ everything started to unravel. That’s when I knew that there was something seriously wrong with me, Lenny.

‘Jo tried to hug me, an’ I didn’t want her to touch me,” Jocelyn sobbed. “She would get fussy, an’ I would lock myself up in the room until she cried herself to sleep. I always had friends in Georgia to help me with her while you were gone, but I had no support here. I called up a doctor an’ had my Ma come stay for a while.”

She paused and regained her composure before continuing. “Ma made trips back an’ forth from Georgia to New Mexico – she never let Jo out of her sight. When Papa finally passed away, she moved in permanently. An’ still Jo never left her side. I spent a lot of time in counseling, an’ I made a lot of progress, but I could never seem to form a real bond with Jo.

‘We all got by okay when Ma was alive ‘cause she was our buffer. But now that she’s gone…Jo deserves better than me, Lenny. I’m still tryin’ to heal,” Jocelyn breathed. “Our girl needs someone healthy takin’ care of her. She needs _you_.”

Leoard hated that Jocelyn was still turned away from him, but he knew she was needed space to say her piece. “So when you told me you were with someone, that Jo had a daddy....”

“It was all bullshit lies. Ma played both parents to Jo. That day you called lookin’ for Jo, she was off in Georgia with my parents.”

“And now you’re sayin’ you _want_ me to be a part of her life?”

“I’m sayin’ I want you to take her, Lenny. I’ve been thinkin’ about askin’ you for a while now to be honest.”

“ _What_?”

Jocelyn finally turned around, and the raw pain etched on her face broke Leonard’s heart. “Like I said, I’m still healin’. I still have bad days, Lenny. It’s been rough with Ma bein’ gone. Jo an’ I barely even talk some days. She’ll come home from school, grab some dinner, an’ sit in her room until it’s time to get ready for bed.”

“She doesn’t even _know_ me, Jocelyn.”

“Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong, Len. While I was busy stewing in my bitterness toward you, Ma made sure to tell Jo all about you. She would sit her down and show her holovids, tell her stories about the work you did as a doctor, and the battles you helped fight in space.”

“She really did that?” Leonard choked.

“Yeah,” Jocelyn smiled. “Ma made sure that Jo knew her daddy was a hero, an’ that he couldn’t be around to see her ‘cause he was off makin’ the world a better place for his little girl.”

A heavy sob rolled in Leonard’s chest, and he turned away, covering his mouth. He couldn’t believe his ears. Maureen Darnell was the last person that he thought would ever stick up for him. She’d been so angry with Leonard for screwing up her plans to marry Jocelyn off to Clay. If anything, he was sure she would’ve turned Jo against him, but she’d done the opposite. He wondered if her longtime friendship with his mother had anything to do with her actions.

Jocelyn walked up behind him and laid a hand on his shoulder. She tried to turn Leonard around, but he refused to budge. “Jo thinks the world of you, Leonard. Ma didn’t tell her anything that wasn’t true.”

Leonard took in a shuddering breath and vigorously shook his head. “I’m not a hero, Josie,” he wept. “I’m just…me. I do what I can, how I can, an’ I make sure people stay as safe as possible.”

“An’ that’s what makes you a hero, Lenny,” Jocelyn pointed out. “I don’t know anyone with a bigger heart than you, and that’s what Jo needs right now. Maybe someday she an’ I can start over fresh, get to know each other without my…sickness…being in the way.”

“Say I take Jo with me. What are you goin’ to do then, Josie?” Leonard croaked. “Where does that leave you?”

“I’m goin’ back to school, Len. I actually have an offer to attend a university on the Mars Colony. I’m thinkin’ of takin’ it.” Leonard could hear the smile in her voice. “Space seems to have helped you find yourself. Maybe it can help me settle down, too. ”

Pain shot through Leonard’s heart as Jim and Spock’s faces flashed in his mind’s eye. “What are you talkin’ about, kid? I lost myself in space,” he laughed.

“That’s not what Jim said.”

All of the blood drained from Leonard’s face, and he spun around on one heel. “ _Who_?”

Jocelyn shrugged and pulled her arm away. “Jim Kirk – he told me you thrived in space despite your dislike of it. Said you found your footing an’ grew your talents beyond Starfleet’s wildest dreams.”

“When did you talk to Jim?”

“Yesterday. I talked to Spock, too. I _know_ , Len, and it’s okay.”

“How – why –”

“Jim tracked me down. Well, he still had my number on hand. He called, frantic, lookin’ for you. Said you disappeared without a word, an’ he needed to find you.” A choked laugh rumbled in Jocelyn’s throat. “I – Lenny, there was so much love written on his face it was clear as day. An’ I just _knew_ , an’ I swear I felt any lingerin’ anger toward you just fade away.”

“What all did he tell you?”

“Not much. Just that he didn’t know where you’d run off to, but if he knew you like he thought he did, your first stop would be to see Jo. An’ he was right.”

“You talked to Spock, too?”

“Yeah,” Jocelyn smiled. “He’s…unique. He grilled me for ten minutes tryin’ to see if I was lyin’ about not knowing where you were. He finally let up ‘cause my pupils didn’t ‘give any indication of deception’ or some damn thing.”

Leonard laughed and ran a shaky hand down the length of his face. “Yeah, that sounds like Spock.”

“It’s written all over your face, too, you know.”

“What?”

“Love.”

The embers of feeling that Leonard had been holding at bay for so long flared to life within his heart. Warmth spread throughout his body like liquid honey, and for a second, all was right in the universe. “I do love them, Josie; with all of my heart.”

That comment earned Leonard a smile that lit up Jocelyn’s eyes. “I’m glad to hear it – but don’t you think you should get back to them?”

“I can’t right now,” Leonard sighed. “I need to put myself together first. I’ll go to them when I can stand in front of them again with my head held high.”

“Yeah, okay. I can respect that, Lenny.” Jocelyn cleared her throat and shuffled her feet. “So are you goin’ to be okay with takin’ Jo? You two can stay with me on the weekends until I leave for Mars.”

“I think I’ll be all right. The question is: Will you be okay? Will Jo?”

“She’ll be home in about twenty minutes from school. You can ask her yourself.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll do that.”

“As for what _I’m_ feelin’, it hurts, Len, but I know this is the right move to make - for all our sakes.”

Leonard traced the lovely curves of Jocelyn’s face, and he couldn’t help but think about the first time he laid eyes on her. She’d been standing across the gym with her beau, Clay Treadway, wearing a scowl that would’ve sent the devil scurrying back to hell. “Do you remember the first time we met, Josie?”

Jocelyn laughed and swatted him on the arm. “Course I do. You were playing the part of a dainty wallflower at our Senior prom. I plucked you from the wall and made you dance with me.”

“Just to piss Clay off.”

“Well, it worked, didn’t it?”

“At the cost of my broken nose!”

She batted her eyelashes. “But you defended my honor so admirably, cowboy.”

“Yeah, I did, didn’t I?” Leonard chuckled. He stared at her for a long moment, and offered his hand in a fit of inspiration.

Jocelyn gave him a bewildered look, but she stepped closer when Leonard waved her over. She took his hand, and gasped when he pulled her in close. “I don’t want to there to be any goodbyes this time around. As far as I’m concerned, you and I are just fine now, sweetheart. So dance with me one last time, Josie, and let’s walk away friends.”

“But we don’t have any music.”

“I betcha I can fix that,” Leonard offered. He took a deep breath and began to sing. He was halfway into the first stanza of Tom Waits’s “Long Way Home” when he tucked Jocelyn’s head underneath his chin and began to lead her around the room.

They continued to dance long after the last word had been sung.

The comfortable silence was eventually broken by Jocelyn’s soft crying. Leonard pulled her tight against him and stroked her hair. “Shh, you’re not alone anymore, Josie,” he soothed. “We’ll raise Jo together, just like we had planned on doin’ when we first found out she was on the way. We may not be together anymore, but we’re still family.”

Jocelyn nodded, pulling away, and kissed Leonard’s cheek.

The loud screech of brakes suddenly hissed somewhere outside, and Jocelyn stepped out his arms completely. “That’s Jo’s bus,” she explained, wiping the tears from her face. She dried the wetness on her khaki slacks and hurried over toward the front door. “Come on, don’t be shy, Lenny. Come say hi,” she called over her shoulder.

“Yeah, okay.” Leonard quickly slipped out of his damp shirt and tossed it on the couch. He pulled at the hem of his white t-shirt and intended to follow Jocelyn outside, but he found himself rooted in place. His heart rate tripled in his chest, and beads of perspiration broke out above his eyebrows. There was some commotion in the small foyer, and Leonard could hear the sound of zippers being opened and closed. The twinkling sound of a little girl’s chatter echoed from the front of the house, and he felt something catch in his throat.

“There’s someone here to see you, Jo,” Jocelyn interrupted.

A pause.  “Huh? Oh, ‘kay. So Mindy’s mom brought cookies ‘cause it’s her birthday, and Ms. Lawrence let us eat them in class!”

Time stopped when Joanna turned the corner. Her hair was loose, and there were wild curls bouncing all about her elfin face. She was wearing a yellow peasant blouse with a pink skirt layered over bright purple leggings, and Leonard’s first thought was why Jocelyn had let his daughter walk out of the house looking like a paint splatter portrait. He finally caught sight of the chocolate cookie crumbs dusted on her lips, and he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore.

“Hi, Jo,” Leonard croaked, dropping to his knees.

Joanna’s eyes, which were a mirror of Leonard’s, flew wide open. “Daddy?” she breathed.

“Yeah, baby, it’s me,” Leonard whispered. His arms flew open, and Joanna ran to him without hesitation. He wrapped her up in a tight embrace and pressed a kiss to her blonde curls. She smelled of fresh sunshine and chocolate, and Leonard felt himself fall in love all over again.

Joanna pulled back and cupped his face with her slender hands. “Is it really you? Nana always said you’d come back for me, daddy. She told me so many stories about your work! An’ she said as soon as you could find a way back from space, you’d come find me.”

She pressed a light kiss to the tip of his nose and gave him an awed look. “An’ you came for me, daddy. You really came for me,” she whispered.

“I’ll always come home to you, baby,” Leonard vowed. He pulled her in for another hug and rocked her in his arms. A jagged piece of guilt that he’d been carrying for years broke off and dissolved in the light of his daughter’s love, and Leonard knew that he had just taken his first step toward finding his way back home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> [](http://photobucket.com/)  
>   
> 


	6. Jim's Interlude: Sleeping Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse into Jim's thoughts.

* * *

“Where do you go when the day is long?  
And where does your heart beat, and who is wrong?

Follow me home,

through the maze and on.  
I’ll show you the road that I led you the wrong way on.”

 

Blue October, _Let It Go_

* * *

 

You had known something was wrong the moment you opened your eyes. You couldn’t place your finger on it, but you remember wondering why Spock and Bones were trying _so hard_ to stand apart from one another. You recall wanting to ask what was wrong, why they refused to really look at each other, but then they had both gravitated toward you, and touched you. After being in the dark for so long, you wanted nothing but to let yourself drown in their love.

The wrongness had instantly been forgotten.

It had taken you a while to sync your intuition with the universe again – death had a way of throwing everything off balance. Three days of basking in the presence of your friends and loved ones had almost been enough to help you push that final piece of yourself back into place.

Almost.

You weren’t prepared for the lingering fear that had made a home for itself within the deepest chamber of your heart. The knowledge that you’d sauntered into death’s embrace without any real fight ate at you in a way that you’d never be able to explain to anyone.

Because no one could ever really understand that you had never believed in sacrificing even a _sliver_ of yourself before you first stepped foot on the _Enterprise_.

The instant you had chosen to walk through the door that led to the warp core was the moment you knew that you no longer belonged to yourself.

You had known exactly what you were walking into, but you were _ready_ to die for the sake of your crew and your ship; for Bones and Spock. You trusted that both would come together and put all wrongs to right. There was no one else in the universe that had the power and will to do it.

You were sure that the _Enterprise_ and her crew would survive Khan and continue on without you. You had faith that Spock would take command and lead the staff into the future, and help them grow their individual talents. You trusted Bones to speak for you along their journey together and point out matters that wouldn’t even dare to cross Spock’s mind, like how he sometimes needed to factor in trivial emotional points into his logical formulas.

More than that, you wanted Bones and Spock to survive, to live a long life together – to know that you loved them enough to jump into the darkness with your eyes wide open.

But you never thought about how your death would affect them both.

It was only a day after waking that you were told about Spock taking on the devil with his own hands, and defeating him before handing the reins over to the doctor. Scotty had said that Bones had taken it upon himself to confront the Grim Reaper with nothing but a curse and sheer will in order to pull your soul back from the afterlife. His tale had inspired you to hack into the database, and you watched the video of your goodbye with Spock. You looked on as Bones unzipped the body bag and took in the reality of your death. You'd seen the life drain from both of their eyes the moment your death had hit them, and it had killed your heart. That empty look is what has inspired you to download the video and save it on a PADD before deleting all evidence from the Starfleet database. You never wanted either one of them to ever relive the trauma.

You were grateful for them both, but Spock and Bones had fought their battles alone, and that’s what bothers you the most. Both of your lovers had retreated into their respective corners while you were gone, and they had stayed there after you came back.

You suspect that they, too, had been touched by fear. During the early morning hours of your sixth real day back from the dead, from unconsciousness, you wondered what would have happened if Bones hadn’t been able to bring you back, but you didn’t let your mind linger on such thoughts because the possible answers to the scenario scared you. You had died so that everyone could be saved, and for the most part they had been - physically. You just weren’t prepared for the scar tissue that would be left behind on the two people who you love most.

In essence, you became a ghost haunting their worst nightmares, a reminder that no one was infallible, and this echoed deep within the bond of your relationship long after you were released from the hospital. You wondered how long it would take for your lovers to crack, to reveal the depths of their sadness. In your heart of hearts, you felt it would be Bones first, but you also recognized that he needed space and time to find the words he needed to say. And while it hurt you to stand on the sidelines, to watch him fall apart in that stubborn cowboy way of his, you made yourself stand still and wait.

And while you were waiting on Bones, Spock had decided to reach out first, and the two of you had clung together while you waited for Leonard to find his way back. Only, he never did.

Bones had been gone for a week now. You’d called in every favor you’ve ever earned, contacted every person you’ve ever known, but to no avail. You had no idea where he was. You’d even dared to call the ex-wife in the hopes that she’d have some answers, some kind of advice, but she’d been able to offer you nothing. You even tried the whole praying thing, but that had gotten you nowhere.

And so now you find yourself standing under a cooling spray of water, covered in mint scented bubbles that torment you with memories, lost and afraid because you feel a shadow looming behind you, and you have no way to fight it. You know it’s a warning of sorts, and you fear that you’ve lost a part of your heart for good. You feel sick knowing that if you’d only been brave enough to reach out first, to confess about the existential horror that shook your very essence, that maybe Bones would’ve understood that you needed him to open up in turn.

The ghost of his touch suddenly cuts through the stream of water and bursts the lather of bubbles coating your body. You can feel his hands, so sure, so gentle, so _possessive_ , trailing across your chest, and down your abdomen, his nimble fingers caressing the delicate skin covering your hip. You exhale and the weight of your breath instantly dispels the energy, and the loss of it brings tears to your eyes.

For that one second Bones was here with you.

For a single heartbeat, you were together again.

“I miss you, Bones.”


	7. V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonard confronts his fears and finds that he's stronger than he had previously thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to apologize for the large delay in posting this chapter. Believe it or not, this chapter took a lot out of me, mostly because I had to keep battling with Jocelyn muse. Also, life has a funny way of throwing curve balls when one least expects it. Health issues and family emergencies have kept me on my toes for the past few months, but things are starting to calm down now, and I'm grateful to finally find the proper time to write. This chapter still feels rushed in some areas, but I'm happy enough with it to post it. :)
> 
> Thank you all for your endless patience and understanding, as well as your support. <3

* * *

* * *

**V**

 

_My fears come alive in this place where I once died._

_Demons dreaming, knowing,_

_I just needed to re-align_.

 

~ _Re-Align_ , Godsmack

* * *

 

The lingering presence of a hard stare tugged at Leonard’s mind and pulled him out of slumber. He jolted awake, eyes flying open, and came face to face with Joanna’s worried visage. Leonard bolted upright and wiped the sleep from his eyes with the tips of his fingers. He glanced at the clock sitting on the nightstand and noted that it was just a little after three in the morning. He reached for the white t-shirt he had tossed at the end of the bed the night before and slipped it on. He was new to the dad role – he wasn’t sure what the rules were when it came to sleeping shirtless when one was a parent.

Leonard shifted on the bed and patted a random space beside him. “Hey, sugar pie,” he drawled. “What’s wrong?” The room was dark, save for the moonlight shining in through the sheer curtains covering the twin windows at the far end of the room. Joanna made a move to climb on the bed, but she stopped at the last second.

“Mama’s goin’ to have a bad day,” Joanna breathed, hugging herself. “She’s been cryin’ in her room for a long time.”

Leonard closed his eyes and held his breath as he stretched his hearing as far as humanly possible. After a moment, he could hear the echo of Jocelyn crying in her room down the hall. He opened his eyes, and his heart twisted in his chest as he watched Joanna chew on her lips.

“Can you help me get ready for school in the morning, daddy?” she whispered. She kept her eyes glued to the paisley comforter draped over the bed. “We’re out of cereal, and I don’t know how to cook yet.”

“Come here, Jo,” Leonard choked. He opened his arms wide, and the gesture seemed to be one thing Joanna needed to finally jump on the bed. She snuggled against Leonard’s chest and exhaled. He wrapped his arms around his daughter and felt a small tremor ripple throughout her small frame.

There were so many things Leonard wanted to ask her about her life, so many things that he needed to explain to her about his own. But life had a knack for throwing fast balls at him at every turn – with the expectation that he catch them all. As much as Leonard hated to admit it, there was no real time to step back into the past and iron out all of the wrinkles.

If he really wanted to start making amends with his daughter, he was going to have to keep pushing forward and pave the future path smooth with his own hands. One day, when Jo’s world wasn’t spinning on its axis at the speed of light, he would sit her down and explain everything about his absence, and more importantly, tell her about the mother she never had a chance to meet. He’d also tell Joanna about his own mother.

Eleanora would have loved Joanna. She’d always wanted a daughter, but complications from Leonard’s birth had prevented her from ever conceiving again. His mother had never complained, but both he and his father could see a particular light flare in her eyes every time her gaze fell on a little girl. Somehow, it felt as if he was holding his mother’s dreams in his arms, as well as his own.

Leonard played with Jo’s curls, twining the ends around his index finger just like he did when she was a baby. “I’ll make you breakfast, baby girl. And when you get a little bit older, I’ll teach you how to cook.”

Joanna lifted her head and smiled brightly. “Do you promise?”

“You know it, kiddo,” he smiled, pressing a kiss against her tangled hair. “Now try and get some sleep, Jo. You still have time before school.”

“Okay.”

Leonard tucked the comforter around Joanna’s form and carded his fingers through her hair. The urge to sing to her gnawed at his insides like a rabid dog, but he fought it back. The last he needed was to rub salt in Jocelyn’s wounds. He settled for humming Joanna's song, and he was halfway through it when he felt her body go slack against his side.

A small part of him wanted to go check on Jocelyn, but Leonard wasn’t sure how she would react to his offer of help. It would probably be best to wait until he’d seen Jo off to school – should Jocelyn react in a loud, or even violent, way, at least Joanna wouldn’t be around to witness the event.

Leonard sighed and curled around his daughter. He knew he wasn’t going to get any more sleep. All he could do was enjoy this small moment with Jo and hope that he’d be able to offer Jocelyn some help. Idly, his thoughts turned to his lovers. If anyone would be able to break through the darkness surrounding his ex-wife, it was Jim.

The man didn’t know the meaning of the phrase “giving up”. Jim would push through the dark cloud that had descended upon Jocelyn until he cut a path to pull her out. If the pathway caved in around them, well, so be it, so long as they both passed through the exit way – physical wounds could always be healed.

Spock could teach Jocelyn meditation techniques to help her gain control of her fluctuating emotions. As much as Leonard still had reservations about Vulcan hoodoo, he would be willing to try it before pumping Jocelyn full of medications. Anti-depressants always left behind a nasty taste on the brain. The side effects were often worse than the disease, and Leonard figured Jocelyn had suffered enough.

He stared at the ceiling, determined not to fail Jocelyn this time around. If he had to channel Spock and Jim in order to be successful, then that’s exactly what he was going to do. Whether Leonard was successful or not, he would thank his longtime friends for the life lessons the next time he saw them.

~*~

“You packed your lunch in your backpack, right, munchkin?” Leonard zipped up Joanna’s electric blue hoodie and tapped the end of her nose with his right index finger.

Joanna giggled. “Yeah, but I’m still full of pancakes, daddy. I might not have room for your tuna sandwich at lunch.”

Leonard’s mouth quirked up at one corner, and he gave Jocelyn a wink. “I don’t know, Jo, you’re a growing girl – a McCoy at that. Somethin’ tells me that your tummy’s goin’ to be growlin’ like a hungry bear come lunch time.”

“Daddy, that’s not funny!”

Leonard chuckled and gently tugged at one of Joanna’s curls. The bus breaks hissed outside, and he quickly ushered his daughter out the front door. Joanna let out a screech of happiness as she caught sight of her friends’ faces pressed against the glass of the windows, and she skipped toward the bus, giggling and waving as streams of dainty curls trailed behind her, riding a light breeze.

The breath caught in Leonard’s throat as the morning sunlight lit up the blonde locks of her hair with a flameless fire. For a second, the vibrancy of her life-force mirrored Jim’s, and it took every ounce of willpower he had to keep from crying. Deep down, he knew Jim would have loved Joanna, as well as Spock, and he hated that he was never going to get a chance to share this piece of his heart with them.

A knocking sound drew Leonard out of his reverie, and he blinked, catching a glimpse of Joanna’s face pressed into a small window, her cheeks red from the chill of the morning air. He raised his hand just as she blew him a kiss, and Leonard snatched it out of the air and tucked it away in the front pocket of his plaid shirt. Joanna smiled at him, the gesture so big Leonard could feel a phantom pain throb in his cheeks.

He waved, and watched as the bus pulled away and disappeared around a corner. There was a particular heaviness in his heart that he couldn’t ignore. Leonard might have missed a lot of Joanna’s first activities, but at least he could say he knew what it felt like to send a child off on the first day of school – technically, it was _his_ first day, but he generally wasn’t a stickler for details in these types of situations. Every moment with his Jo was priceless.

Leonard turned back into the house and secured the door. He wasn’t sure how Jocelyn was going to react to his offer of comfort, but he was ready to accept whatever came. Leonard picked up the mess left over from breakfast, making sure to wash and dry the dishes, before he managed to steel his nerves enough to make the trek down the long hallway that led to Jocelyn’s room.

The house was eerily quiet, which was amplified by the stillness radiating in from the outside. Leonard stopped in front of the wooden door separating him from his first friend, and he took a deep breath before knocking.

“Go away.”

Leonard cleared his throat. “Jocelyn – Josie - it’s me.”

“I said go away.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, honey,” Leonard drawled. “I’ve already been gone for far too long.” He paused at the sound of sheets rustling. “I’m coming in, Jocelyn,” he warned, turning the metal knob. He was surprised to find the door unlocked.

The room was dark when he entered. Jocelyn had reinforced the coverage of the curtains by draping heavy wool blankets over them. Leonard was glad that he was wearing shoes; otherwise, he would have stubbed his toes at least three times before reaching the bed. He felt his way around the nightstand and managed to find the lamp, flicking it on as soon as he located the switch.

Jocelyn was curled up under a pile of blankets, and Leonard could see the clear outline of tear tracks marking her pale cheeks. She looked at him with an empty gaze, and it pained him to see her eyes so devoid of life. Leonard sat on the edge of the bed and placed a reassuring hand on the curve of Jocelyn’s shoulder. He knew that he had to see her through this bout of sadness – he just didn’t know where to start.

“What’s wrong, Josie?” he asked. If he had learned anything from Spock, it was that taking the most direct path, even if it was ridiculously hard or painful, was often the best approach to resolving an issue.  

“Nothin’,” Jocelyn snapped, glaring at him. She sighed and draped a forearm over her eyes. “Everythin’.”

“You can talk to me.”

There was a long moment of silence, and Leonard was a nanosecond away from getting up and leaving the room, when Jocelyn finally answered.

“I’ve thought about havin’ you home again for a long time, Lenny,” she began. “But those little fantasies of mine always envisioned us bein’ together again, and I know now that’s not ever goin’ to happen. I’m just…takin’ it a little hard is all.”

Leonard sighed and toed off his boots before leaning back on the bed. He lay on his side, facing Jocelyn, and pushed sweat matted hair away from her face. “I’m sorry, Josie,” he offered. “I thought about you for a long time, too, but I -”

“Found someone else...other…people.”

“Something like that.”

“Then what was it that you found exactly, Len?”

Leonard licked his lips and willed his heart to stop climbing the walls of his throat. He stared hard at Jocelyn’s face, tracing every fine line that had blossomed on her skin during their time apart. He remembered the first time he saw her hanging off Clay’s arm – she’d looked like an elegant, porcelain doll that was often gifted to young girls, but never played with.

Her hair had been curled to perfection, and the white, silk dress covering her curvy frame had damn near screamed femininity. Jocelyn was a lady in every sense of the word, the very vision of the woman his mother had often spoke about wanting Leonard to marry. Leonard had saved her from a jealous beau that night, which had earned him a shy smile and a delicate trill of laughter as a reward. Jocelyn had roused his protective instinct, which had made him felt like he’d taken his first step toward being a true gentleman – one worthy enough to carry his mother’s hopes.

Jocelyn had made Leonard feel wanted like a man.

Leonard thought about the first time he had met Jim. He’d been a bloodied and bruised mess wrapped up in a worn, leather jacket that could’ve probably recounted some wild tales had it been able to speak. Jim had been unnaturally solemn and quiet that day, and after tolerating months of silence in his home, Leonard hadn’t been able to handle any more of it. So he’d filled the air with his own stories, more depressing than exciting. Jim had listened silently, not offering any comment, but nodding his head between tales.

His nonchalant attitude had grated on Leonard’s nerves during the first half of the shuttle ride. For the life of him, Leonard couldn’t figure out how someone could walk through life not giving a damn about the troubles that lurked around dark corners, torturing all the poor souls that chanced to walk by.

But then Jim had turned to him and pulled the flask from his clenched fist with a wink. “Cheer up, Bones. The rain always stops eventually.” He swallowed down Leonard’s last drink of whiskey before tucking the flask away in his own jacket. “Don’t you know? The clouds can’t hold the sun at bay forever.”

Jim had followed up that statement with a smile, one so real, so bright, that it’d burned through the thick layer of sadness that Leonard had been wearing like a second skin for months in less than a second. He’d wrapped an arm around Leonard’s shoulders and squeezed the tension from his achy muscles with careful fingers. Jim’s hair had still been smoldering from the remnants of morning light tucked into the ends of his hair, his ethereal, blue eyes as calm and vibrant as the sky on a perfect summer day.

Leonard remembered thinking that his mama had never spoken of beauty like this to him, a radiance so pure that it seemed to breathe life into the soul instead of demanding a sacrifice from it in the name of friendship or love. He’d been unable to offer Jim an answer to his question because he’d temporarily lost his ability to speak, but that didn’t seem to bother his new acquaintance one bit.

“Don’t worry, Bones. We’ll figure out this life business together,” he’d laughed. “It can’t be that hard, right?”

Jim Kirk had waltzed right into Leonard’s life with nothing more than a smile and reckless chuckle, and he’d made him feel human again without asking for anything in return. Leonard recalled leaning into the man’s steady weight for the rest of the flight, with Jim’s arm secured tightly around his frame. He’d never known simple friendship before, and he remembered being wondered by the fact that he’d found it housed within a rebel with a golden heart.

He blinked and cleared his mind, gazing at Jocelyn with an expression that was both distant and open. “I found honest friendship…”

Leonard thought of Spock, and the first time he had met the Spock behind the stoic Vulcan mask. Jim had been injured during an away mission, and it had taken Leonard performing ten hours of complex surgery, and pumping his friend with two pints of blood, to safeguard Jim’s place in the world. Spock was already in the recovery ward when Leonard had stepped inside the room, pushing Jim’s bed in front of him. He’d later learned from Chapel that he’d waited in the room for six hours before their arrival.

He never spoke a word as he watched Leonard settle Jim into place, and it was only after Leonard had smoothed the folded hem of a clean, white sheet across Jim’s chest that Spock had finally taken a seat beside the bed. The way Spock’s fingers had trembled against the curves of his knees would forever be burned into Leonard’s memory.

Jim and Spock hadn’t been romantically linked then, but thinking back on it now, Leonard thought the accident was more than likely the catalyst that had brought them together. He hadn’t seen Spock so unsettled since he'd lost his head during the _Narada_ incident, and he’d placed a comforting hand on the man’s shoulder. “He’s going to be just fine,” he’d offered. “Nothin’s ever goin’ to bring Jim Kirk down except an abnormal force of nature.”

Leonard hadn’t been expecting a reply from Spock, so he’d been shocked when Spock had reached up and covered his hand with one of his own. His gaze had shot to Spock’s face, and the golden warmth burning within the man’s irises had taken his breath away. The depth of Spock’s ability to feel emotion was as clear as sunlight, and it had always been right there in front of Leonard’s face – he’d just never bothered to really look for it.

“You saved his life, doctor. As illogical as it may be, I wish to offer you my sincerest gratitude. The safety of this ship, and her crew, would not be as secure without your talent, Dr. McCoy.”  

Spock had squeezed his fingers before releasing his hold completely. Leonard had walked away feeling dizzy, and when he finally let himself crawl into bed, he could still feel the weight of Jim’s heart in his palm, and the burn of Spock’s emotion tingle against his fingers.

Jim and Spock made him feel needed like a _person_.

“…and open love.”

A fresh tear rolled down Jocelyn’s right cheek and disappeared into the pillowcase. “You were with them just now, weren’t you?” she whispered. “I saw you…leave. And then you were back here with me.” A broken chuckle vibrated in her throat. “I think I needed to see that, Lenny,” Jocelyn offered. “That look I just saw on your face…you never looked like that when you talked about me.”

“You’ll find it one day,” Leonard smiled. “When you least expect it, love will sneak up on you and breathe life back into your soul. I want you to experience, honey. You don’t deserve anythin’ less.”

“I don’t deserve it at all,” Jocelyn choked. She wiped the wetness from her face with shaky hands. “I’ve treated Jo horribly.”

“She’s a tough cookie, Josie . She’s a McCoy after all. If she can find it within her heart to forgive _me_ , then surely she’ll be able to forgive you. All you need to do is just give yourself a chance with her.”

“You really think it’s that easy?”

“I know so.” Leonard touched the front pocket of his shirt. “Jo gave me somethin’ this mornin’, and I’m sure she won’t mind if I share with you.”

Jocelyn furrowed her eyebrows. “It better not be another damn bug, Len. I’m tired of her brinin’ those icky critters inside the house.”

Leonard laughed. “No, it’s somethin’ good, trust me. Now, do you want it or not?”

“All right, but I swear if this is some kind of prank, you’re goin’ to be sorry!”

“Close your eyes,” he ordered. Jocelyn gave him a long look before her wet lashes finally fluttered shut. Leonard leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to her forehead and pulled away. “There,” he said, “that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

Jocelyn opened her eyes and shook her head. “No, not really.”

Leonard offered her a smile before sitting up and pushing his body off of the bed. “Good. Now why don’t you get up and go soak in the tub for a while. I’ll clean up in here while you relax – and I’m getting’ rid of these damn blankets on the window. You’re not a damn vampire.”

Jocelyn sat up and sighed, rubbing her temples. “You’re still a damn bossy know-it-all, McCoy.”

“Some things change, but a lot of things don’t – Mcoy intellect is a universal constant. Now march yourself to the shower, Missy, before I throw you into a tub of cold water.”

Jocelyn snorted and crawled out from her pile of blankets. She moved around the room and gathered some fresh clothing before walking toward a closed door tucked back into a corner of the room. Leonard had just finished pulling down her blanket-curtains when a tingling on his neck caught his attention. He turned and saw Jocelyn standing in front of the door with a bowed head and a hand wrapped around the doorknob.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“Your…boys,” she began, “you’re goin’ to go home to ‘em soon, right? ‘Cause I gotta tell you, Lenny, I can’t imagine not ever seein’ that wonderful look from before on your face again.”

“I plan on seein’ them again,” Leonard revealed. “Even if we’re not together romantically, they’re still my friends, Josie.”

Jocelyn nodded and stepped into the bathroom. Leonard heard her start the water for a bath, and he took his time tidying up her room. He tossed what he assumed to be dirty clothing in a pile by the bathroom door, and he stripped the bed of its dirty linens and dressed it in clean ones. He had just finished dusting the nightstands when Jocelyn stepped out of the bathroom, her skin pink from the heat of the water.

“Feel better?”

“Yeah.”

Leonard eyed the clock and noted that it was a little after noon. He slipped back into his boots and made his way out of room. “We need groceries, so get dressed. If we play our cards right, we’ll be back in time to have supper ready for Jo.” He was halfway out of the bedroom doorway when Jocelyn’s voice touched his ears.

“Thank you, Lenny.”

He turned around and gave Jocelyn a smile. “You don’t have anythin’ to thank me for, Josie. That’s what friends are for.” Leonard closed the door behind him and walked toward the living room. He sat in one of Jocelyn’s leather recliners, closed his eyes, and fought to keep his mind from drifting. He’d been scared that his attempt to make things right with Joanna and Jocelyn was going to blow up in his face, but he’d dared to take a Kirk Leap and managed to land on his feet.

The demons from his past might not be dead yet, but it was only a matter of time now. Leonard already felt lighter.

“Don’t tell me you’re already nappin’ like an old man.”

Leonard chuckled and opened his eyes. “I may be old, but I’m not that far gone.” He rose from his seat and stretched. “Are you ready? We can take my truck.”

“Well, all right then, let’s go.”

Leonard followed after Jocelyn and watched her lock up the house. He cleared his throat when she climbed into the passenger seat of his truck and tried not to squirm. It felt strange riding around with Jocelyn after so many years apart. They rode to the grocery store in silence and managed to get all of the shopping done in less than an hour.

He’d made sure to grab some healthy snacks for Jo – there wasn’t any need for her to be eating the junk that Jocelyn assured her mother had deemed worthy enough to buy for his daughter.

_“Sugarfree doesn’t necessarily equal good eats, Josie.”_

_“Says you.”_

_“Yeah, and I’m a doctor, which means I’m right.”_

They’d compromised on making spaghetti for dinner, with whole wheat pasta and organic tomato sauce. Jocelyn had talked Leonard into buying chocolate chip cookie dough, and she had a dozen baked by the time the hiss of the bus brakes screeched outside the house. Leonard rushed to the front door and stepped outside to greet Jo. She jumped off the last step and ran toward him giggling with her arms wide open.

“Daddy!”

Leonard bent down and scooped her up into his arms. “Hey, lovebug, how was school?”

Jo tapped him on the end of his nose. “You were right, daddy. I was hungry at lunch time. I ate all of my sandwich!”

“I warned you, didn’t I?” Leonard chuckled. He carried Jo into the house, securing the door before he made his way back into the kitchen. Jocelyn had busied herself with washing the dirty pots, and Leonard felt Jo stiffen in his arms the moment she caught sight of her mother.

“Your mama’s just finishing up, dinner,” he smiled, setting Jo down on the counter. “Sit here while I get the plates ready, okay?”

“‘Kay.”

Leonard plated servings of spaghetti for everyone. He kept watch on the girls via his peripheral vision, noting that Jocelyn and Joanna were trying hard not to even look at one another. He cleared his throat while he carefully arranged the angel hair pasta.

“Your mama made you some cookies for dessert, Jo,” he revealed. “I bet you three bites of spaghetti that she’ll let you have one right now if you ask real nice.”

He took his time digging a nice hole in each pile of pasta. Leonard was pouring sauce into the carved out hole of the second plate when Joanna finally raised her head and looked toward her mother’s direction.

“May I have a cookie now? Please, Mama?”

Leonard shifted his gaze over toward Jocelyn, and his heart constricted in his chest at the sight of her trembling bottom lip. He wanted to intervene somehow, but this was a pivotal moment for mother and daughter. Jocelyn cleared her throat and dried her hands on the dish towel. She turned and offered Joanna a grateful smile.

“Well, I suppose it’ll be all right if you have one now, and another after dinner,” she offered. “But, you gotta share the one you get right now with me and your daddy. Does that sound fair?”

Joanna turned big eyes toward Leonard, who shrugged in response. “I don’t know, Jo,” he began, scratching at his chin. “It sounds like a good deal to me. You better take it before your mama yanks it off the table.”

The tension that had filled the room immediately dissipated at the sound of Joanna’s giggle. “I get to hand out the pieces!”

“You got it, baby,” Jocelyn chuckled. She grabbed the bunny shaped cookie jar, pulled off the bunny-ears lid, and held it out to Joanna. “They’re still warm.”

Joanna reached in and took a cookie. She waited for Jocelyn to cover the cookie jar and set it back down in its place on the counter before she waved Leonard over. “Everyone gets an equal piece,” she declared, separating the sugary treat. She handed over Jocelyn’s and Leonard’s pieces before taking a large bite of her own. There was chocolate smeared along the right corner of her mouth, a sight which Leonard was growing quite fond of.

He and Jocelyn simultaneously took a bite from their respective piece of cookie, and just like that, something shifted back into place around them. Dinner time was filled with Leonard’s bad jokes and Jocelyn’s and Joanna’s laughter. Leonard washed the dinner plates while Jocelyn helped Joanna wash her hair during her bath.

Leonard soon found himself standing outside of Joanna’s room listening to Jocelyn read _Alice in Wonderland_ to Jo. She had just finished the second chapter when Joanna’s voice filled in the silence.

“Are you feelin’ better, Mama?”

“Yeah, your daddy made me smile this mornin’, and it helped me feel better.”

“Daddy’s good at makin’ people smile. I don’t think you’ll be sad anymore.”

“I think maybe you’re right. Now get some sleep, lady. I’ll pack your lunch in the mornin’.”

Leonard took the opening to walk into the room. “You ready for bed, munchkin? I bet you’re tired.”

“Yeah,” Joanna smiled and gazed at him with liquid eyes. “Can you do the humming thing, daddy, please?

“How about I sing to you instead?” Leonard offered. He sat on the edge of Joanna’s bed and leaned over to pat the opposite side. “Wanna sit, Josie?”

“No, I’m pretty tuckered out myself.” She yawned, and Leonard could tell that it was fake, but he chose not to let on. Jocelyn leaned over and kissed Jo on her forehead. “I’ll see you in the mornin’, doll.”

She tugged at the top button of her cardigan and stepped out into the hallway. She pressed herself against the wall of Joanna’s room and listened to Leonard sing “Rose of my Heart”. He was in the middle of the song when she finally found the courage to pull out her personal communicator unit.

Jocelyn scrolled down the contact list stored within and highlighted a contact that was listed only with the letter J. She typed a message and quickly hit the send button before racing off to her room.

_I know where Leonard is, but he’s not ready to go home, and I’m not ready to tell you yet. I’ll be in contact. – Jocelyn_


	8. Spock's Interlude: Stardust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spock contemplates the balance of his relationship with Jim and Leonard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't quite sure what to expect from Spock-muse, but it seems that he channeled a rather philosophical perspective in this interlude piece. 
> 
> Happy Easter everyone!
> 
> Also, I'm still looking for a Beta reader. While I have professional training in creative writing, I still need a pair of eyes to help me pick everything apart. The words always start running together after so many times of reading through a piece lol.

* * *

* * *

But you can skyrocket away from me,

and never come back if you find another galaxy

far from here with more room to fly.

 

Just leave me your stardust to remember you by.

 

~ Gregory and the Hawk, _Boats and Birds_

* * *

 

There is a chill in your bones that has been plaguing you for quite some time. Even now, as you sit within the security of your meditation room, you can find no peace from the ache. The temperature has always been set to mimic the warm, humid environment of Vulcan, but for the past few weeks, your skin seems to be unable to properly absorb the damp heat.

It is beginning to feel as if you are dying a slow death, and the sensation is bittersweet.

Death has haunted your footsteps ever since you failed to pull your mother to safety. She slipped from your grasp like water falling through the cracks of cupped hands. The first lesson that a desert child learns, is that one can never press the sides of hands together tight enough to persuade water to stay within a container of flesh. Water, like most forces of nature, can never truly be confined – it always follows its own path.

Children of the desert learn to respect water – they drink what they need when they need it, and leave the rest behind for another.

Leonard McCoy is water incarnate. His very essence carries within itself the strength to destroy, but also to heal and restore life. This unique duality is what first piqued your personal interest upon meeting the doctor. It was clear to everyone who became acquainted with Dr. McCoy that he valued life above all else, except when it came to his own.

You knew from day one that the man considered himself expendable, and at first, you were fine with this mindset. Though Leonard was a doctor, he was also an officer who had pledged his life to defend the Federation’s values. He had also pledged himself to protect his assigned ship and Captain no matter what the cost, a vow you had also taken without regret. It seemed logical to allow Dr. McCoy to push forward following his personal beat of the proverbial drum. Despite his self-destructive tendencies, which generally involved alcohol, he never failed in performing his duties to the letter.

Except one day, your perception on this matter was turned inside out.

The second lesson that a child of the desert learns is to revere the sun. Like water, the sun, too, wields the power to destroy and give life. The intake of too much light could spark a fatal fire that burned through the body, but the consumption of too little could lead to death from malnourishment. The Elders were known to often remind the people that fire always burned clean all that it touched.

After Vulcan was destroyed, you found a new sun in Captain James Tiberius Kirk. He burned through the grief that had threatened to consume your mind, and he gave you a new purpose. Jim inspired you to shine as the First Officer of the _Enterprise_ , to pursue your interests in logic and science and excel in your field as the Science Officer of the ship. Jim breathed life back into you just before the moment you chose to accept death in the barren lands of your sorrow.

More than that, Jim gave you friendship without asking for anything in return. Later, he showed you that the energy of love does in fact exist, and it was through him that you finally understood what your father was trying to convey to you the day he confessed that he married your mother simply because he loved her.

You came to love Jim Kirk with a ferocity that scared you at times. You drank in his light like a starving man, but the desert child in you recognized that to continue doing so would lead to your destruction. If you were not careful, your spirit would one day burn beneath his touch. It was an event that you both feared and rejoiced in, for whom else could ever claim to have known a love so pure?

But later, you learned that even the sun could become lonely with only the earth as company. Jim has always been aware of his power of fire, and he feared staying near you for too long lest he destroy the one person he sincerely loves above most. You both ached to fall into one another completely, to sink into the horizon of Earth and rest your spirits in the place where the world ends and begins.    

Leonard Horatio McCoy became the key to saving you both.

His passion for life became a balm that protected you from Jim’s intensity, and he also safeguarded Jim from burning out his own heart. You can still recall the day that an intense thirst hit you upon looking at him, and you realized at that moment that you had been dehydrated for quite some time. Your first instinct was to cup your hands and take a drink, to splash your face with his life-force and bask in the coolness of his essence. But you abstained – just barely.

_“Whose bright idea was it to go hikin’ on the hottest day of the summer?” Leonard grouses._

_“That would be our illustrious captain.”_

_Leonard snorts and wipes a fine layer of sweat from his forehead with the hem of his gray t-shirt. “You know Jim’s batshit, right, Spock? Why do you indulge his madness?”_

_“Hey!” Jim cries. “Is it wrong that I want to hang out with my two favorite people in the universe away from the chaos of the city?”_

_“I indulge him for the same reason that you do,” you answer, giving Jim a warm look. “It pleases me to see him happy.”_

_“Yeah, well,” Leonard coughs, “at least this dunderhead finally agreed to stop for a break, and under a big ol’ tree even. It’s only just past noon, and I’m already sweatin’ like an angry pig. I’m beat – the sun’s havin’ too much fun today.”_

_“Indeed.”_

_You watch him hike up his t-shirt, exposing his firm stomach in an attempt to cool off, before laying back to rest his head on Jim’s lap. He crosses his ankles and drapes a lazy arm across your legs. Despite the heat, there is a breeze wafting through the forest, and you find yourself mesmerized by the shadows of dancing leaves moving across his abdomen area._

_“For Christ’s sake, lay back, Spock. Try to actually rest for once – there’s no one here to judge you for darin’ to relax.”_

_You lean back against the large tree trunk and push your shoulder into Jim’s. He turns to look at you, and his blue eyes are blazing with an energy that you were all too familiar with. “Trust me,” his look beseeches, “trust us.”_

_Jim had already pieced together a possible solution to ease the ache within you both. You follow his gaze downward, and look upon the tranquil countenance of your friend. Jim is carding his fingers through Leonard’s unruly hair, which earns him a rather delicious humming sound in return._

_Several slivers of sunlight had managed to push through the thick canopy of the oak tree, and they kiss Leonard’s skin almost reverently, highlighting the stubborn angle of his jawline, and the smooth column of his neck. You find your fingers reaching out before you could stop your hands, but he doesn’t flinch when your touch ghosts across the small trail of hair leading from his chest to his navel. Instead, he releases a deep exhale and you feel him drift to sleep._

_The urge to trail your fingers upward, to cup his face and kiss the breath from his lungs, sweeps through your entire system with the force of a tsunami, but you force your hand to release him. There is a familiar burn shining on the side of your face, and you turn and find Jim’s gaze on you once again._

_“It’ll work,” he breathes. “Can’t you feel it, Spock?”_

_And you can. The desert child in you rejoices at the return of balance of water and sun, and you lean forward and take your beloved’s lips into a soft, albeit passionate, kiss. You drink in the sun as you bask within the cooling waters of an unexpected oasis, who had found you worthy of his friendship._

And then came the day when the universe had attempted to rob this balance from you. Death had not been satisfied with harvesting your mother for its field of souls, so it had come after your sun and your oasis. Leonard had almost died trying to research the strange torpedoes that had been stored on the ship. You had been able to do nothing but watch as Death reached out and ran intangible fingers across the smooth curve of his beloved face.

Leonard had only survived due to a desperate move performed by Dr. Marcus. So Death immediately turned its gaze to your sun, and it had squeezed the light from Jim’s essence without bothering to pose the scene for a witness. You had only been there for the aftermath, when there was nothing left but a small, burning ember fighting for life within the core of Jim’s spirit.

You were as helpless as the day that you lost your mother. Like water, one cannot contain the light within cupped palms. Jim's last breath slipped through your grasp, and you were left standing in a dark, barren field of death. You saw nothing, you heard nothing. You were fading into the void at the speed of light, and not even Leonard’s healing waters could reach you.

But those waters were strong enough to reach Jim.

While you stumbled through the darkness of your anger, within the intense hatred you felt toward Khan, Leonard flooded Death’s field of souls and dared to uproot the newly planted Jim Kirk right in front of Death’s face. He carried this precious energy back into this realm and restored the sun, and it wasn’t until you saw Jim’s light burning bright within his eyes that you were able to inhale. The world had rushed back to you in waves of sound and texture and various gradients of light, but you could only see Jim.

You fell into the sun and allowed yourself to be consumed, and it was only after that you remembered your oasis. Only then, it was too late. You had forsaken Leonard’s love while you grieved Jim’s loss without realizing that you had pushed him away, and now you did not know how to repent this action. You feared rejection, so you chose to give him space, not realizing that Leonard simply needed you to return to his side.

And now he’s gone from you completely, and you can feel your body withering from thirst. You can sense that Jim is on the verge of burning out his heart. You both long for the cool waters of Leonard’s love and friendship, and there is a real fear that he will never return. You know that you will not be able to last long without Leonard.

The air suddenly shifts behind you, and you feel Jim’s light kiss the back of your neck. He sits behind you and wraps his arms tight around your waist, pressing his forehead against the nape of your neck.

"I can’t remember what his aftershave smells like," Jim murmurs against your skin. "I hate that you probably remember every detail about Bones, and I’m stuck with nothing but dying memories."

You keep your eyes closed and try to ignore the lingering scent of pepper and leather biting at your consciousness. Leonard has been gone for a month, but you still can’t bring yourself to completely acknowledge the pain burning at your core. The moment you do so, you will have to come to terms with fact that Leonard is determined to keep his distance, perhaps indefinitely.

You aren’t ready to begin imagining a future without Leonard; especially when you will have to live the rest of your life with a clear memory of what had been.

"I must admit, Jim, that I find myself envying you at this moment.”


	9. VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonard makes his first appointment with Minerva, but the session turns into something that he would never have imagined in his wildest dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do apologize for the delay in getting this chapter finished. My life has been rather hectic as of late - work promotions tend to lay on the responsibilities pretty thick, and eat up personal time. Thank you to all who have taken the time to read this story, and many thanks to those who have been so kind and patient regarding the slow updates. <3
> 
> Warning: This chapter has not been beta read. I have yet to secure a pair of eyes to look over my writing, so please excuse the errors. :)

* * *

**VI**

You saw all my pieces broken, this darkness I could never show.

If I told you that you were right, would you take my hand tonight?

If I told you the reasons why, would you leave your life and ride?

~ _Ride,_ Cary Brothers

* * *

 

 

“So, how are things, Leonard? Are you adjusting well to fatherhood? You have this…daddy…air about you now. I swear I can smell the aroma of home-baked goods just wafting from you. ”

Leonard chuckled and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m good,” he smiled. “Jo’s good, too. We’ve had our ups and downs, but we’ve both acclimated well given our circumstances.”

Minerva sat back in her chair and steepled her fingers over her stomach. “I’m glad to hear it. I’ve got to tell you, I was pretty worried when Nancy called to inform me that you’d run off to New Mexico.”

“Nancy’s got a lot of free time on her hands,” Leonard snorted. “She offered to watch Jo so I could sit in my appointment without fussin’ over her.”

“Oh, now, don’t be too hard on her,” Minerva laughed. “She’s got a bit of a crush on you, my boy. It must be that delicious backside of yours.”

Leonard rolled his eyes and ignored the wave of blood that rushed to his face. He wasn’t going to even acknowledge that comment with a reply. “My trip to New Mexico wasn’t planned. I just woke up and knew I had to see my baby girl. You know, make things right with her.”

“How long did you stay in New Mexico?”

He scratched at his chin, grimacing when his fingers fell into the grasp of a stout beard. “I stayed three weeks, just until Jo finished up school for the summer.”

Minerva made a noncommittal noise and took a sip of her coffee. She set the maroon, ceramic mug back on her desk and stared at it for a long moment before asking, “And Jocelyn? How are things between you and your ex-wife?” She paused. “Was there any rekindling of the old flame?”

Leonard laughed and made a face. “Say what? No; nothin’ like that.” He sighed and leaned back in his seat. “Josie an’ I figured everythin’ out, which is more than I could’ve ever asked for – I finally have my friend back.

“Do you think Jocelyn’s going to be all right sitting at home by herself?”

“She’s off planet,” Leonard smiled. “Josie’s decided to go to school in Mars. She got accepted into one of their science academies.”

“Well now, that’s quite an interesting turn of events for her,” Minerva chuckled. “I’m sure she’ll get by just fine.”

“I think so, too. She deserves to be happy.”

“I agree,” Minerva smiled. She paused for a moment before changing topic. “So, how do you like Willa?”

“She drives smooth. That truck is a fine piece of work. To be honest, I didn’t think the ol’ girl had any more miles left in her the first time I saw her,” Leonard chuckled. “But she’s proven me wrong on that count. Willa runs smoother than any other transport I’ve rode in before.”

“Oh my, are you insinuating that the _Enterprise_ doesn’t compare to her either?”

A touch of white bloomed in Leonard’s cheeks. “Well, now, I don’t know about that. I meant more earth-side transport.”

“I see,” Minerva mused, giving him a knowing look. “Willa’s a stubborn one – she’ll outlive us all I think.” Her last word trailed off into a comfortable silence that was embraced by mentor and pupil.

Leonard reached out and picked up a black coffee mug from the corner of Minerva’s desk. He took a long drink and fingered the smooth rim of the cup. “Jim and Spock called Josie lookin’ for me,” he revealed. “Jim charmed her up somethin’ good – it’s that damn Kirk allure. Even Spock managed to impress her.”  

“Ah, yes, the good ol’ Kirk charisma,” Minerva snorted. She took another drink and reached out to the far right hand side of her desk, rolling her eyes at Leonard’s bewildered look.

“Your men are quite persistent,” she commented. Minerva opened the bottom drawer of her desk and pulled out Leonard’s PADD and communicator, tossing the devices on her desk. “These babies were beeping non-stop for the first few days, and then the activity dwindled down to a message here and there,” she informed. “Your beaus went so far as to barge in to my office and demand I reveal your whereabouts.”

Leonard’s face paled completely. “Jim and Spock were here?”

“Yep, bright and early on day five of your leave – which is a couple of days or so after you took off to New Mexico.” Minerva stretched in her seat and gave Leonard a knowing look. “They stormed in here like a pair of rabid hunting dogs tracking your scent. Aren’t you glad I warned you about the GPS?”

“Yeah,” Leonard choked. “I don’t know how I would’ve handled havin’ them just instantly materialize in Josie’s house.”

“Well, sugar, sometimes the first step in healing is to rip off the artificial bandages and let the wound breathe.” Minerva finished off her coffee in two large gulps and stood up from her seat. “You’ve had some time to catch your breath, now you need to face the music.”

“What do you mean?” Leonard frowned.

Minerva waved her hand over Leonard’s devices. “There’s a good number of messages stored inside those doodads. I think you should listen to them.” She shuffled over toward the closed door of her office and cracked it open. “Everyone deserves a chance to be heard, Leonard, and that includes those tenacious beaus of yours.”

“Minerva, I’m not -”

“I made sure your toys stayed charged. When you’re done playing with them, come out and join me in the private garden – I’ll inform the security personnel on duty that you have permission to enter. I feel like taking a long walk. You can keep me company and fill the silence with some talk. I want to hear more about Jo.”

“All right,” Leonard choked. He watched his mentor leave without glancing back. Minerva’s footsteps echoed for a long minute before the hall in front of her office fell silent.

Leonard’s electronic devices sat in front of him waiting for his attention, and it took him a few heartbeats to steel his nerves enough to finally reach out and touch them. The last time he’d used his personal PADD was when he’d signed his leave papers. The last time he’d used his communicator was when he’d phoned a transport service to take him to meet with Weathers.

He flipped open his communicator and pushed in the code to release the messages stored within. The sound of Jim’s and Spock’s voices tugged at his heartstrings so hard that he was sure the muscled sustained actual physical damage. A wave of emotion washed over him through their voices, and Leonard found himself crying before the first message had even ended.

_“Leonard, this is Spock. I find myself at a loss regarding what has just taken place in the transporter room. Have you been issued a private assignment? If so, why did you not inform Jim and I about the circumstances of -”_

There was a loud, rustling sound _. “Spock, stop it. Bones! What the hell! I know something’s wrong – I could see it on your face…after I woke up. Bones, talk to us. I – things haven’t been right, I know this, but I need you to know that we…just call us back as soon as you get this message, baby;_ please.”

The ‘please’ dug a home for itself deep within Leonard’s center. He wanted to open a link directly to Jim and beg him and Spock for forgiveness, but he abstained – he wasn’t the only one who owed an apology. Leonard sighed and forced himself to continue listening to the messages that had been left for him during the past month and a half.

_“Bones, I miss the sound of your voice. Please come home.”_

_“Leonard, I do not understand why you refuse to return our attempts to communicate with you. I would appreciate a simple conversation to discuss your decision to depart. I – Leonard. There is much I wish to say to you.”_

_“Bones, I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry that I wasn’t strong enough to keep you. I’m sorry I never told you what you mean to me. I’m sorry. I love you.”_

_“Bones – fuck; never mind.”_

_“Leonard, Jim and I are growing most concerned about your refusal to speak to us. Would it benefit you to speak to either Jim or myself separately? Simply request your…preference… and we shall abide by it.”_

_“Bones…I wish you’d just sat somewhere else.”_

_“Leonard, it is clear to me now that you do not wish to communicate with either Jim, or myself. My communicator line will always be open to you. So long as there is a clear signal between the lines, I shall always receive you.”_

_“Bones, please. I can’t breathe.”_

_“Doctor – Leonard. Mu-yor yel-fam.*”_

_“Bones, be happy.”_

_“Leonard, kaadith. Peace and long life.”_

The communicator fell silent. Leonard’s lungs were burning from the strain of keeping his sorrow locked behind his lips. He gripped his communicator tight, and dried the wetness from his face with the back of his hand. Just when Leonard thought he’d managed to get his core centered again, Minerva had forced him to give it a nudge in order to test its stability.

He’d failed the test.

Psychology 101 claimed that it took a person fifteen days of conscious work to break routines. For the past six weeks, he’d focused on Joanna, and exploring the _father_ role. Leonard had been so caught up in this new chapter of his identity that he’d almost forgotten about the people he’d left behind in his previous life. What a selfish fool he was.

Jim and Spock were hurting as much as he was – their desperate messages were proof of that. But he couldn’t help but wonder why they seemed so frantic to speak to him _now_. He’d been in the apartment with them both for weeks, and neither one had bothered to utter a word about the wrongness that had infected their relationship. From what Jim had said in the first message, he’d been aware of everything.

So why didn’t Jim say anything, or Spock for that matter? If they had said something about what they were thinking at the time, what they were feeling, maybe there would have been a chance to save the relationship that they once had. Now, the only thing that could be salvaged was their friendship.

Minerva was right – he’d needed to rip off the invisible bandages that he’d cocooned himself in and face the issue that he’d run from. He wouldn’t ever truly be ready to move forward until he did. Only, he knew he still wasn’t ready to charge headfirst into a conversation at full steam. Leonard was a Southern boy through and through, and if his mama had taught him anything, it was that slow and steady always won the race.

He fingered the edges of his PADD, but found that he couldn’t bring himself to open it – listening to audio messages had been hard enough. If Leonard watched any video messages, he was going to break for sure. As much as he wanted to see his lover’s faces, he had to focus on what was important right now, and currently that was Joanna.

Leonard set his retired devices down on Minerva’s desk and reeled in his emotions. The _Enterprise_ wasn’t due to leave for a while yet – the extensive repair process would take a few more months to complete. There was time for him to focus on getting his core centered securely before he spoke to Spock and Jim. When he said goodbye, he wanted to send them off with a sincere wish of well-being.

He finished off his cold coffee and touched his fingers to the edges of his communicator before departing Minerva’s office. Leonard sent Piper a wan smile before stepping into the elevator. He was so preoccupied with trying to fight off melancholy thoughts that he failed to notice Piper frantically whispering into her communicator.

Leonard had just cleared the guarded entrance to the garden when the sounds of frantic yelling touched his ears. The cries were muted, indicating that the owner of the voice was located near the center of the floral sanctuary. Worry for Minerva flooded his veins, and he took off running before the security guard manning the entrance realized that something was wrong. He turned a sharp corner, and something rushed out from a hydrangea bush and knocked Leonard off of his feet.

He cried out as he felt himself falling sideways, but his body was shifted mid-fall, and Leonard fell on some…one…instead of the hard landing on gravel that he had been expecting. He took in a gasping breath and raised himself on shaky arms, ready to roll off and fight. The angry stream of curse words forming in his throat fizzled and died the moment he laid eyes on a familiar face.

“Spock?” he choked. “W-what are you doin’ here?”

Spock gave Leonard no verbal reply. He stared at him with a heated gaze, chest heaving as he fought to catch his breath, and raised a shaky hand to Leonard’s face. He traced the smooth curve of Leonard’s cheek with the very tips of his fingers, and Leonard couldn’t help the needy groan that rumbled in his chest at the contact. He closed his eyes and tipped his head back as Spock trailed his fingers down the side of his throat.

Leonard was on fire – he could feel the heat of Spock’s body simmer the blood in his veins, bringing it to a boil. He had missed this intimacy, the vibrant thrum of Spock’s life-force humming against his skin. Leonard exhaled and felt his entire body relax, and he leaned into Spock’s touch. He had a fleeting thought that Spock might be using his Vulcan hoodoo on him, but Leonard didn’t really care. All that mattered to him was this moment, this one shining instance where his soul felt grounded again.

“ _Spock_.”

Spock shifted and gently rolled Leonard on to his back, making sure to cradle his body during the motion. Leonard found that he didn’t want to open his eyes for fear of waking from a dream. A wave of dizziness washed over his mind as his senses were overloaded with the sweet perfume of hydrangea and wet earth. The back of Leonard’s shirt was damp from where he lay in a recently watered bed of hydrangeas, and he shivered as the cool earth kissed his heated body.

“Leonard, I wish to see your eyes.”

It took him a long minute, but Leonard finally managed to drag his eyelids open. He gazed up at Spock, and his heart nearly stopped as he drank in the sight of Spock’s regal face framed by sunlight and a clear, blue sky that conjured Jim’s handsome visage in his mind. Tears prickled at the back of Leonard’s eyes, and he raised shaky hands and cupped Spock’s face.

Spock’s eyelashes fluttered at Leonard’s touch, but he kept a steady gaze on his eyes. “I can feel you, Leonard. Your emotions are at war with one another, but your heart remains steadfast, and I know that it does not lie. I can sense your…affection…for myself, and for Jim. Yet you have chosen not to speak to me, or him, about why you chose to leave. Why?”

“It’s complicated,” Leonard rasped. “And seein’ you now, feelin’ you again, complicates everythin’ more. Goddamn it all, Spock, I’ve _missed_ you.”

And that apparently was all the invitation Spock needed to take Leonard’s lips into a passionate kiss. Leonard’s hands slipped into Spock’s hair, and he lost himself within the feeling of being connected with Spock’s sturdy life-force again. All that was missing was the vibrant kiss of light that Jim housed….

“Bones!”

Leonard jumped in Spock’s embrace and broke free from the kiss. He looked up and watched as Jim ran toward him and Spock. He slid on his knees the moment his feet touched wet dirt, and rushed over beside them with a desperate look in his eyes. Leonard felt Spock lift him, and before Leonard could catch Jim’s gaze with his own, he was enveloped within Jim’s arms. Spock wrapped himself around Leonard’s back, and Leonard felt something click into place within him, and around him.

He took in a large breath that filled his lungs to capacity. The fresh oxygen surged through his system like a shock of electricity, setting every cell alight with _life_. “Jim,” he breathed, pressing his face against the side of the man’s neck. Leonard could hear Minerva’s voice bellowing in the background, and while he couldn’t understand anything that she was saying, he knew her words weren’t directed at them.

Jim pulled back and stared at Leonard for a long second, his eyes shining with unshed tears, before pressing his forehead against Leonard’s temple. “We found you,” he whispered. “ _We found you, we found you, we found you_.”

“I’m here, Jim,” Leonard wheezed. Jim groaned and took his lips into a heated kiss. He slipped his fingers into Leonard’s hair and wound the dark strands tight around his fingers. Leonard felt Spock’s lips on his neck, and it was just the first time they came together. Everything was right in the universe for a single heartbeat, but then Leonard’s thoughts finally caught up with the moment, and he reluctantly broke the kiss.

“Stop,” he breathed, chest heaving. “Jim, we can’t – this isn’t – we need to talk.”

“Leonard is correct, Jim. We must discuss the situation, and find a resolution.”

Jim rested his head against Leonard’s shoulder and nodded his head. “Yeah, okay. We’ll talk at home, and get this sorted out.”

Leonard felt the blood freeze in his veins. “No,” he choked. “Please, anywhere but there. I can’t go back to that feelin’ – I can’t go there right now.”

Jim raised his head and gazed at Leonard with furrowed eyebrows. “What – Bones, I don’t know what you’re trying to say. It’s _home_.”

A calm hand rested against the side of Leonard’s neck, and its twin found a resting place on Jim’s shoulder. “We shall go to a place of your choosing, Leonard,” Spock intoned. “Simply tell us where you wish to go.”

“I have a place I’m stayin’ at,” Leonard replied, running a shaky hand through his hair. “And I want to introduce you to someone, but I won’t tell you who until we get there.”

“All right, Bones. Whatever you need.”

“I don’t know what I need,” Leonard revealed, “but hopefully you two can help me with that.”

“Well, I guess all my planning for your undercover persona has gone to waste.”

Leonard turned and found Minerva standing beside them with her hands on her hips and a knowing smirk on her face. “Sorry about that, Minerva,” he offered. “I -”

“Ripped off the artificial bandages? That’s obvious. But I think you might have taken a layer of freshly healed skin with it.” She sighed and sent Jim and Spock a firm look. “I’m _allowing_ you to accompany Leonard today, gentlemen. Not because you two have been hounding me for weeks, but because it seems like my boy is finally ready to open a conversation that’s already been put off too long.

‘If you hurt him, or make him rush into making a decision, I’ll knock you two down in rank so far that you’ll _thank_ me for the honor of scrubbing the lavatory with an old-fashioned toothbrush. Are we clear?”

“Affirmative.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

She eyed the mud caked clothing of the trio. “I’ll expect you three to use the public transporter system. Oh, and Leonard?”

“Yes, Minerva?”

“I do expect to see you in my office next week. And I mean just you.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Leonard smiled.

“Dismissed, gentlemen.”

Minerva plucked a peony from a small bush and resumed her stroll in the garden. She turned the corner, and Leonard heard her barking orders at security guards. Apparently, not all had returned to their stations when previously commanded to do so, and now they were looking forward to a week replanting the section of flowers that had been trampled, as well as trimming bushes by hand.

“Your Domme is still pretty damn scary, Bones.”

Leonard snorted and laid his head back against Spock’s shoulder. “You have no idea, which is why I suggest we make our way to the transporter room before she changes her mind about lettin’ me take you back with me.”

“Where exactly are we going?” Jim asked.

“Like I told Spock, it’s complicated.”

“Lead the way, Leonard. Where you go, we shall always follow.”

 

*The night is starless. Translation borrowed from a video of Vulcan translations posted by BluRemembra on youtube.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first contribution to the Star Trek fandom despite the fact that I’ve been a fan of the series as a whole for over twenty years.


End file.
